Those that know me know that I'm not typically an anxious, nervous, or easily shaken up kind of person. However, the closer we get to Declan being born, the more of all three of those things I become. I worry about everything! Not so much about once he's here, I know Valerie and I will figure our way through parenthood just as everyone does. I worry about something happening before he's born. Car accidents, work accidents, illness, Valerie being alone, etc.
A couple of weeks ago I was literally terrified at the thought of death, and leaving Valerie and Declan alone. So much that I had what I guess was an anxiety attack(never experienced one before). I went to bed that night, fully expecting to never wake, gave Valerie a kiss, and said sorry if I didn't. Valerie normally being the anxious one, just gives me a hug and says something to the effect of "oh babe, you're not dying. Go to sleep." When I awoke the next morning, I honestly had to convince myself that I wasn't a spirit trapped in some unknown realm.
Until I met Valerie, I never really felt like I had anything to lose. Now, with Declan almost here, I have even more. Life has always seemed like something we go through to get to the next day, and repeat. Now, every single day is new! It may be selfish, but I'd hate to miss any of it. I'd hate to not be there for Valerie and our son.
This may seem a bit excessive to some, and I may be inclined to agree. What I am most curious about is have any parents felt or experienced anything similar? Is it common to become so concerned about everything? Does it go away? How do you deal with it?
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
"Anxiously" Waiting
Saturday, November 8, 2014
A Mother's Love
Inherent with the gift of life, is mortality. We live everyday subconsciously avoiding the thought of it. We all know we'll die one day, but can't even fathom the idea. I haven't ever had to face my own, but I know that my initial feelings and thoughts would probably be a little selfish. As I'm sure many people's are. I witnessed something today so profound that it will stay with me for the rest of my life.
For those that don't know; my mother was recently diagnosed with stage four lung cancer(she'll be mad at me for posting this because she doesn't want anyone to worry). It was discovered a few weeks ago, while hospitalized for pneumonia. It goes without saying that the diagnoses has been devastating. Many things to sort through in mine and my sibling's minds. We're not sure what to expect, but know we want to be there for our mother.
On the other side of things is my mom. Faced, ultimately, with her own mortality. Has she been selfish? Not a bit! Never has been! She has consistently reassured and comforted us. Being totally selfless, and putting her concerns aside to address ours. My mom has never been a "me first" kind of person. I mean, she adopted five orphaned hooligans! She is compassionate, unwaivering, abstemious, gracious, proud, and strong. Knowing this of my mom still couldn't have prepared me for today.
She was admitted to the hospital yesterday due to complications. I won't get into the specifics of the hospital, but the experiences have been horrific. It's amazing that a hospital is allowed to operate this way. Mom needed a procedure to drain fluid from her lung, and ease her breathing. Principally, an easy and low risk procedure. However, due to negligence of the hospital staff, it became potentially life threatening.
I arrived at the hospital, immediately greeted by my little sister. She had a packet in her hands, and informed me that mom had given her and I the power of attorney. Not truly knowing the severity of the situation, I wondered why. Could it really be that bad after a matter of a few weeks? I then entered the room, and saw aunts, an uncle, and cousins I hadn't seen in a few years. That being my fault. Then, I saw my mother...hooked up to a bipap looking almost lost. She was sitting up and responsive, but her mind was clearly somewhere else. I gave her a hug, a kiss, and said hello in the way only I know how. I'm a goof in times of duress. If it makes sense it was my mom sitting there, but it also wasn't.
Shortly after I arrived they came to take her down for the procedure. We all gave her hugs and kisses, and I told her "I'll see you soon, mom." As my little sister, Lindsay, was giving her a hug, what my mom said floored me. Even suffering from respitory acidosis and on the way into a procedure that could lead to her death she said, "get something to eat...my debit card is in my purse..."
A mother's love...
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Atlas
Throughout life, we often feel like the weight of the world is on our shoulders. We carry something with us that is greater than ourselves. Whether we know it or not, it is our responsibility to hold our world together, to stand strong, and never falter. Is it a punishment or an honor? That's for the individual to decide.
In our lives we are faced with circumstances. Let's call them trial and tribulations. Events that are meant to test our strength and will. Whether it be financial, health, relationships, career, or many other possibilities. We expect ourselves to come out, unscathed. That however, is not an option. Take it as you will, it's not.
The old adage goes, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." False! What doesn't kill us, gives us a choice. A choice to let it conquer us, or enable us. Enable us to be better people, more convicted, more passionate, more understanding, more persistent, and more insightful than we could have ever imagined. On the other hand we can allow it to destroy us. We can give tragedy the strength to define us, to own us, and to prohibit us from living.
It's up to the individual. When confronted with tragedy will you falter, or shrug and reposition the load? They say, "God only tests those that can handle it." So, I see it not as a punishment to go through this, but an honor. God knows the strength of my heart, along with my mother and siblings. God knows that there is nothing that can break us down. God knows that no matter what hardship is sent our way, that we WILL overcome it. We will come out stronger, on the other end.
Many may not know me as a religious man, but I am. I've read the bible, cover to cover. Since I was a child, my favorite book has always been Job. I won't get into it here, but whenever you are struggling, read a passage from The Book of Job. You'll soon understand that you are not being punished, but honored.
Friday, January 18, 2013
You Can Learn A Lot From Your Dreams
Last night I dreamt of being in Tennessee again for work. However, midway through the dream work turned into some sort of gothic cathedral. I never went inside, I just inspected some sort of structure that acted as a sort of fence. It was a beautiful thing. Very curvy and excellent symmetry. At one end, there were fallen statues. There was a huge and beautiful angel , and other religious symbols. I couldn't make the other ones out, just the angel and statue of a man which I could only see the back of the head. After this I'm in a car leaving. The roadway is the same in real life and it changes before my eyes. A series of gates that were very ornate and gothic appear out of nowhere and an almost Victorian like cottage that I couldn't shake a weird feeling of.
Back to reality for a moment. I grew up in Oklahoma, and haven't been there in nines years. At the end of this business trip I was trying to arrange a later flight so I could drive to Oklahoma and visit for a few days. Unfortunately, it didn't happen.
Dream: after making it through all the gates, I end up being able to make the travel arrangements to visit Oklahoma before returning to California. All of a sudden, I'm disembarking a cruise ship. I'm then headed to a bus. I board bus after bus after bus. All to different locations, but none to Oklahoma. I don't recall any of the busses actually moving, just being on them for a period before getting off and boarding another. At one point I got on the wrong bus, but realized it immediately. Waiting for me outside was a salesman that I had worked with a couple times. We needed to go back to work for some reason. We get to the gates and there is a push button to open them. He pushes the first one but doesn't wait and forces through it as its opening slowly. I notice the house lighted now by candles and lanterns, and get the same eerie feeling. The second gate opens a little faster and he doesn't rush through it. We get to the third gate and get out of the car. He proceeds to unlock the gate by hand. At this point I notice a door open on the cathedral and a silhouette of a woman walking out. He unlocks the gate a I walk through, it appears this woman is locking up for the night like she's a groundskeeper. The salesman then yells, "never mind David! Not tonight!" And he points at the top of the third gate where there is a black widow spinning a web. I understood this in my dream as an omen of bad luck. I had seen the woman a little closer now, and she looked like a witch. We rushed off leaving the gate opened and unlocked, she could close it we had to get out of there! I felt bad leaving extra work for this old lady, and when I turned to makes sure she noticed she was now a skeleton. All I saw was her skull. She had the same dress on and the same hair but when I looked back I could see her skull. That's how the dream ended. Normally I can make sense of my dreams, but this one has got me stumped.
I can't place it into the timeline of the dream, but there was one part in which I was with a group of people most notably my mother and father in law. We were walking a trail that leads from Texas to Oklahoma. In the dream I had walked it before many times. It was almost like an exodus of sorts. We walked until we reached a cave(almost like a mine) at this point it seemed to turn into a guided tour. I picked up a pair of gloves and checked for spiders, and a bunch of dead spiders fell out. The rest of the walk I was feeling things crawl on me that weren't there, and a search for a shirt clean enough to wear. Don't know what happened to the one I'd had on originally.
And now the interpretation provided to me:
Although it would usually be best to have additional general background information about you as well as recent events just before the dream in order to provide an accurate interpretation, a few ideas can be tried out to see if they might fit your personal situation in some way.
For example, the dream could be commenting on two different types of “work” in your life, one of which may need some more attention beginning at this time to some extent.
On one side, you’re probably at an age where outer work and career are very important as they should be, but perhaps too much of your inner work is being ignored in the rush to establish yourself in the world.
This idea could be symbolized in your dream by work being transformed into a Gothic cathedral, that is, suggesting an inner “opus” or work that would have the goal of developing the whole you and not just the outer you.
Perhaps some quiet intrusive thoughts along the lines of “Is it all worth it?” etc. sometimes come to mind but these may not be explored very much (don’t go into the cathedral).
Maybe some sort of general rational thinking takes over (beautiful symmetrical fence) saying such things as “Things will get better later” etc. and that these vague stirrings etc. are just sort of outworn, superstitious-like ideas (fallen religious statues).
The statue of the man could symbolize this “more complete you” about whose potential you are mostly unaware (can’t see the face of the statue).
The various Gothic gates might represent the need to “slow down” in leaving thoughts about your “opus”, and the eerie Victorian cottage may suggest the idea of the “witch” who appears later in the dream.
Trying to travel back “home” (to Oklahoma) likely symbolizes “home” in the sense of “who you really are” in the totality of your personality which has to be developed over your lifetime.
This theme appears constantly in mythology and other folk tales, attesting to its deep meaning.
One example is Homer’s “Odyssey” in which Odysseus has to go through many symbolic trials and tribulations in order to “become who he really is” and reach his home in Ithaca.
The dream could then be showing what might be getting in the way of your progress toward “home”.
For instance, a ship can symbolize the personal methods that a person has methodically developed and honed in order to move through the sometimes emotionally demanding “waters” of everyday life.
But a large commercial cruise ship suggests a more broadly collective outlook and methodology, perhaps tinged with “pleasure” and “relaxation” as opposed to the sometimes more harrowing exploits required of us like those which Odysseus had to go through in becoming a more individual personality.
Similarly, buses can be taken by everyone and they have limited, controlled “destinations” because we can only “get on or off” as opposed to directing where they go.
Maybe a kind of semi-conscious frustration arises because you never really reach an inner feeling of being “home” (go from bus to bus), so to silence this, an aspect of you (the salesman) causes you to redouble your efforts in your job (salesman takes you back to work).
This part of you “drives you along” (the salesman drives the car), that is, you may not be fully in control of an aspect of your energy, e.g. maybe shown in excessive time and attention spent on your work.
The general “nuisance” of getting through the three gates back to work could again be a warning from the dream to “slow down” and consider how you’re making certain decisions and commitments regarding your job.
A hint appears once more that “all may not be well” in other parts of your life (the eerie cottage).
The appearance of the woman and the seeing of the black widow spider at the same time probably are meant to link the two images closely together in meaning.
Generally speaking, a spider in a dream often points to an important message being sent from the unconscious mind of the dreamer.
In a nutshell, since the salesman is terrified of the spider in your dream, this points to the fact that part of you may be tending to normally keep out of your conscious mind certain unpleasant insights about yourself (e.g. as partly symbolized in wanting a “clean” shirt later in the dream).
We all lean toward doing this, but in the end, it’s best for us to accept and integrate into our everyday consciousness these often upsetting realizations about how we are acting etc.
If we don’t do this, then in a worst case scenario the “black widow spider”, the dead spiders later in the dream or the unseen creepy-crawlies could eventually appear in a practical way as sudden unexplained outbursts of anger, or in feeling down too much of the time, or else in physical symptoms such as headaches etc. etc.
A very general example about what a person might be doing that makes a spider appear on the scene in their dreams would be expressing indirectly without really knowing it certain negative emotions like envy, jealousy, anger, guilt or anxiety etc., creating a kind of “sticky web” of communication which “catches” the person and makes it hard to escape from this net of deceit and intrigue.
The person might, for instance, not openly express their resentment for always being put down by someone else or in being made to work excessive overtime etc., but not saying anything leads to be being “trapped in a web of deceit” and not being enough of an individual person overall.
If the person can learn to express such unpleasant and disruptive feelings in a strong coherent way, then the positive side of the spider can appear.
For example, the person can begin to feel more like a spider sitting at the “calm centre” of the web and gain a feeling of some control over her or his fate since spiders are also connected with “spinning out the destiny” of people.
Also, the creativity associated with the spider and the making of an intricate web can also appear and give the person a sense of wanting to be busy and active as opposed to “trapped” in a web of “death”.
In this way of looking at your dream, the witch would symbolize the same thing as the spider, that is, the danger of a kind of inner “death” through unpleasant symptoms which could tend to disrupt day to day life too much.
However as mentioned, without knowing anything about you, this approach to your dream may not fit your personal circumstances very well, but I hope these ideas can be helpful in some way.
Athanor
Dream Seeker
Back to reality for a moment. I grew up in Oklahoma, and haven't been there in nines years. At the end of this business trip I was trying to arrange a later flight so I could drive to Oklahoma and visit for a few days. Unfortunately, it didn't happen.
Dream: after making it through all the gates, I end up being able to make the travel arrangements to visit Oklahoma before returning to California. All of a sudden, I'm disembarking a cruise ship. I'm then headed to a bus. I board bus after bus after bus. All to different locations, but none to Oklahoma. I don't recall any of the busses actually moving, just being on them for a period before getting off and boarding another. At one point I got on the wrong bus, but realized it immediately. Waiting for me outside was a salesman that I had worked with a couple times. We needed to go back to work for some reason. We get to the gates and there is a push button to open them. He pushes the first one but doesn't wait and forces through it as its opening slowly. I notice the house lighted now by candles and lanterns, and get the same eerie feeling. The second gate opens a little faster and he doesn't rush through it. We get to the third gate and get out of the car. He proceeds to unlock the gate by hand. At this point I notice a door open on the cathedral and a silhouette of a woman walking out. He unlocks the gate a I walk through, it appears this woman is locking up for the night like she's a groundskeeper. The salesman then yells, "never mind David! Not tonight!" And he points at the top of the third gate where there is a black widow spinning a web. I understood this in my dream as an omen of bad luck. I had seen the woman a little closer now, and she looked like a witch. We rushed off leaving the gate opened and unlocked, she could close it we had to get out of there! I felt bad leaving extra work for this old lady, and when I turned to makes sure she noticed she was now a skeleton. All I saw was her skull. She had the same dress on and the same hair but when I looked back I could see her skull. That's how the dream ended. Normally I can make sense of my dreams, but this one has got me stumped.
I can't place it into the timeline of the dream, but there was one part in which I was with a group of people most notably my mother and father in law. We were walking a trail that leads from Texas to Oklahoma. In the dream I had walked it before many times. It was almost like an exodus of sorts. We walked until we reached a cave(almost like a mine) at this point it seemed to turn into a guided tour. I picked up a pair of gloves and checked for spiders, and a bunch of dead spiders fell out. The rest of the walk I was feeling things crawl on me that weren't there, and a search for a shirt clean enough to wear. Don't know what happened to the one I'd had on originally.
And now the interpretation provided to me:
Although it would usually be best to have additional general background information about you as well as recent events just before the dream in order to provide an accurate interpretation, a few ideas can be tried out to see if they might fit your personal situation in some way.
For example, the dream could be commenting on two different types of “work” in your life, one of which may need some more attention beginning at this time to some extent.
On one side, you’re probably at an age where outer work and career are very important as they should be, but perhaps too much of your inner work is being ignored in the rush to establish yourself in the world.
This idea could be symbolized in your dream by work being transformed into a Gothic cathedral, that is, suggesting an inner “opus” or work that would have the goal of developing the whole you and not just the outer you.
Perhaps some quiet intrusive thoughts along the lines of “Is it all worth it?” etc. sometimes come to mind but these may not be explored very much (don’t go into the cathedral).
Maybe some sort of general rational thinking takes over (beautiful symmetrical fence) saying such things as “Things will get better later” etc. and that these vague stirrings etc. are just sort of outworn, superstitious-like ideas (fallen religious statues).
The statue of the man could symbolize this “more complete you” about whose potential you are mostly unaware (can’t see the face of the statue).
The various Gothic gates might represent the need to “slow down” in leaving thoughts about your “opus”, and the eerie Victorian cottage may suggest the idea of the “witch” who appears later in the dream.
Trying to travel back “home” (to Oklahoma) likely symbolizes “home” in the sense of “who you really are” in the totality of your personality which has to be developed over your lifetime.
This theme appears constantly in mythology and other folk tales, attesting to its deep meaning.
One example is Homer’s “Odyssey” in which Odysseus has to go through many symbolic trials and tribulations in order to “become who he really is” and reach his home in Ithaca.
The dream could then be showing what might be getting in the way of your progress toward “home”.
For instance, a ship can symbolize the personal methods that a person has methodically developed and honed in order to move through the sometimes emotionally demanding “waters” of everyday life.
But a large commercial cruise ship suggests a more broadly collective outlook and methodology, perhaps tinged with “pleasure” and “relaxation” as opposed to the sometimes more harrowing exploits required of us like those which Odysseus had to go through in becoming a more individual personality.
Similarly, buses can be taken by everyone and they have limited, controlled “destinations” because we can only “get on or off” as opposed to directing where they go.
Maybe a kind of semi-conscious frustration arises because you never really reach an inner feeling of being “home” (go from bus to bus), so to silence this, an aspect of you (the salesman) causes you to redouble your efforts in your job (salesman takes you back to work).
This part of you “drives you along” (the salesman drives the car), that is, you may not be fully in control of an aspect of your energy, e.g. maybe shown in excessive time and attention spent on your work.
The general “nuisance” of getting through the three gates back to work could again be a warning from the dream to “slow down” and consider how you’re making certain decisions and commitments regarding your job.
A hint appears once more that “all may not be well” in other parts of your life (the eerie cottage).
The appearance of the woman and the seeing of the black widow spider at the same time probably are meant to link the two images closely together in meaning.
Generally speaking, a spider in a dream often points to an important message being sent from the unconscious mind of the dreamer.
In a nutshell, since the salesman is terrified of the spider in your dream, this points to the fact that part of you may be tending to normally keep out of your conscious mind certain unpleasant insights about yourself (e.g. as partly symbolized in wanting a “clean” shirt later in the dream).
We all lean toward doing this, but in the end, it’s best for us to accept and integrate into our everyday consciousness these often upsetting realizations about how we are acting etc.
If we don’t do this, then in a worst case scenario the “black widow spider”, the dead spiders later in the dream or the unseen creepy-crawlies could eventually appear in a practical way as sudden unexplained outbursts of anger, or in feeling down too much of the time, or else in physical symptoms such as headaches etc. etc.
A very general example about what a person might be doing that makes a spider appear on the scene in their dreams would be expressing indirectly without really knowing it certain negative emotions like envy, jealousy, anger, guilt or anxiety etc., creating a kind of “sticky web” of communication which “catches” the person and makes it hard to escape from this net of deceit and intrigue.
The person might, for instance, not openly express their resentment for always being put down by someone else or in being made to work excessive overtime etc., but not saying anything leads to be being “trapped in a web of deceit” and not being enough of an individual person overall.
If the person can learn to express such unpleasant and disruptive feelings in a strong coherent way, then the positive side of the spider can appear.
For example, the person can begin to feel more like a spider sitting at the “calm centre” of the web and gain a feeling of some control over her or his fate since spiders are also connected with “spinning out the destiny” of people.
Also, the creativity associated with the spider and the making of an intricate web can also appear and give the person a sense of wanting to be busy and active as opposed to “trapped” in a web of “death”.
In this way of looking at your dream, the witch would symbolize the same thing as the spider, that is, the danger of a kind of inner “death” through unpleasant symptoms which could tend to disrupt day to day life too much.
However as mentioned, without knowing anything about you, this approach to your dream may not fit your personal circumstances very well, but I hope these ideas can be helpful in some way.
Athanor
Dream Seeker
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Thank You
For the first time in many years, I can say that I am genuinely happy. So much has changed in the past year. Started a new job, found an amazing woman, and life in general has been a lot less stressful. I have the opportunity now to push the "reset" buttons on the mistakes I made as a young adult. Growing up isn't so hard to do.
I have never been the one to stay in one place for too long, or to enjoy being around the same people day in and day out. Something is different. I have found an inner peace that I had not known. This change has come entirely due to my wonderful girlfriend. She reminds me that we deserve good things, she helps me to strive for more, and most importantly she makes me want to do better for her. I wake up every morning next to her, and fall asleep by her side every night. She is a constant reminder of just how lucky I truly am. I now dread to go to work not because I don't want to work, but because I don't want to leave her. I used to not come home after work, sometimes for days on end. Now, all I look forward to is getting home and getting that hug and kiss. My sleep issues have nearly vanished, because I am happy next to her. We have been through so much in such a short time, and come so far as people. My future is now something I like forward to, because with her in it, it is all so promising. I can't express enough what she means to me, but I will do my best each and everyday to do the same that she has done for me. She is a truly amazing person, and I am so thankful to have her in my life.
I have never been the one to stay in one place for too long, or to enjoy being around the same people day in and day out. Something is different. I have found an inner peace that I had not known. This change has come entirely due to my wonderful girlfriend. She reminds me that we deserve good things, she helps me to strive for more, and most importantly she makes me want to do better for her. I wake up every morning next to her, and fall asleep by her side every night. She is a constant reminder of just how lucky I truly am. I now dread to go to work not because I don't want to work, but because I don't want to leave her. I used to not come home after work, sometimes for days on end. Now, all I look forward to is getting home and getting that hug and kiss. My sleep issues have nearly vanished, because I am happy next to her. We have been through so much in such a short time, and come so far as people. My future is now something I like forward to, because with her in it, it is all so promising. I can't express enough what she means to me, but I will do my best each and everyday to do the same that she has done for me. She is a truly amazing person, and I am so thankful to have her in my life.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
A few poems from over the years. Some published, some not.
Grounded
I had a dream the other night,
that I couldn't fly away.
So I tried to fight,
my deepest darkest day.
I soon began to see,
I was in a battle I couldn't win.
How could this be,
I'm just not like other men.
It was far too overwhelming,
It hit me deep inside my heart,
wishing someone to just help me,
and save me from this part.
I should have seen it coming,
for it's lasted far too long.
It had to mean something
but now my mind is gone.
I guess we'll see how the story plays,
and what to make of the end.
This nightmare lasts 70 days,
I pray I'll wake up then.
that I couldn't fly away.
So I tried to fight,
my deepest darkest day.
I soon began to see,
I was in a battle I couldn't win.
How could this be,
I'm just not like other men.
It was far too overwhelming,
It hit me deep inside my heart,
wishing someone to just help me,
and save me from this part.
I should have seen it coming,
for it's lasted far too long.
It had to mean something
but now my mind is gone.
I guess we'll see how the story plays,
and what to make of the end.
This nightmare lasts 70 days,
I pray I'll wake up then.
Recurring
Now that my time is drawing near
It seems so far away.
So I face my deepest fear
That I'll never see that day.
I know its over soon
But I haven't woke up yet.
A nightmare since mid June
That's altered my mindset.
I know now I'll never wake
Or return to my old ways.
I thought this place was supposed to make
A better ME within these days.
But all its done is hardened me.
In peoples eyes I am disgraced.
Soon I know all will see
I'll never shake this place.
Minnesota
All my life, I've dreamed to find
a place to truly rest my mind.
All it took was one friend, one simple trip.
Reality's seen it's end, and I begin to slip
into serenity, finally at rest.
Happiness and peace, I expected much less.
All I've known was lies, I thought to be truths.
So many lonely nights, I fought for my youth.
Anxiety, fear, and apprehension flood my mind.
Time to see, hear, and ease this tension to which I was blind.
Timid, I leave "home," and stumble upon
this is it, the place, where I truly belong.
An instant grace, such a sweet sound.
But from what face, noone to be found.
I've found the first, true "right" in my life.
No more pain or suffering, I feel no strife.
Waking up from this dream, not a chance.
Making up for what seemed, to be just a glance.
Life, has flown on by me, now time stands still?
Might this be how God, meant for me to feel?
And just when I thought, it couldn't get any better.
I knew I was wrong, the moment I met her.
Eyes so bright, and a smile so warm.
I let go despite, it's been a while, and my hearts been torn.
Shattered by love, so long ago.
Scattered abroad, rebuilding was slow.
Passion once more, I was able to fathom.
Emotions soar, these feelings I knew not I could have them.
A sweet song to me, she sang, one from the heart.
Is it wrong for me, to say, I knew from the start.
Time with her, is what I wanted most.
To Love, once again I was the host.
Now what more, could I possibly ask.
Yet another loop, a friensdship unmasked.
The best part about it, a bond has been strengthened.
To a new level, our friendship was taken.
Of each other we gained, a new understanding.
Tribulations and trials, it shall be withstanding.
Thanks to him, I felt what I've never known.
A since of belonging, and that I'm not alone.
It's a shame, that my time, had to end.
No other people, with whom time I'd rather spend.
I return "home," but it's not the same.
Reasons unknown, distaste and disdain.
Not me, but for whom, it this place intent.
Unmistakable, such discontent.
Now all I look foward to, is that dream so right.
Thanks to everyone, and hears to the night...
a place to truly rest my mind.
All it took was one friend, one simple trip.
Reality's seen it's end, and I begin to slip
into serenity, finally at rest.
Happiness and peace, I expected much less.
All I've known was lies, I thought to be truths.
So many lonely nights, I fought for my youth.
Anxiety, fear, and apprehension flood my mind.
Time to see, hear, and ease this tension to which I was blind.
Timid, I leave "home," and stumble upon
this is it, the place, where I truly belong.
An instant grace, such a sweet sound.
But from what face, noone to be found.
I've found the first, true "right" in my life.
No more pain or suffering, I feel no strife.
Waking up from this dream, not a chance.
Making up for what seemed, to be just a glance.
Life, has flown on by me, now time stands still?
Might this be how God, meant for me to feel?
And just when I thought, it couldn't get any better.
I knew I was wrong, the moment I met her.
Eyes so bright, and a smile so warm.
I let go despite, it's been a while, and my hearts been torn.
Shattered by love, so long ago.
Scattered abroad, rebuilding was slow.
Passion once more, I was able to fathom.
Emotions soar, these feelings I knew not I could have them.
A sweet song to me, she sang, one from the heart.
Is it wrong for me, to say, I knew from the start.
Time with her, is what I wanted most.
To Love, once again I was the host.
Now what more, could I possibly ask.
Yet another loop, a friensdship unmasked.
The best part about it, a bond has been strengthened.
To a new level, our friendship was taken.
Of each other we gained, a new understanding.
Tribulations and trials, it shall be withstanding.
Thanks to him, I felt what I've never known.
A since of belonging, and that I'm not alone.
It's a shame, that my time, had to end.
No other people, with whom time I'd rather spend.
I return "home," but it's not the same.
Reasons unknown, distaste and disdain.
Not me, but for whom, it this place intent.
Unmistakable, such discontent.
Now all I look foward to, is that dream so right.
Thanks to everyone, and hears to the night...
Lost In Time
Silent we watch the sun, come over the horizon.
Again my heart you've won, as I look into your eyes, when
the birds begin to echo their melodious joy.
The walls you slowly begin to destroy, with,
unspoken words, bring to us a quiet tranquility.
A soft stare to others, but still I see,
all my fears laid to rest, my questions are answered.
Forever give you my best, you are my tiny dancer.
So hold me close, and cherish this moment of surreality.
It is me you chose, and share with a kiss of pure sensuality.
My heart explodes, as our lips combine.
A soft wind blows, our passions untwine.
Now I am yours, and you are mine.
Your love leaves me breatheless, intoxicated in time.
Of which, in eternity, there's not even enough.
I am begging and pleading, please call my bluff.
The reason I live, all I have is you,
because, the moment I met you, all my dreams had come true.
Again my heart you've won, as I look into your eyes, when
the birds begin to echo their melodious joy.
The walls you slowly begin to destroy, with,
unspoken words, bring to us a quiet tranquility.
A soft stare to others, but still I see,
all my fears laid to rest, my questions are answered.
Forever give you my best, you are my tiny dancer.
So hold me close, and cherish this moment of surreality.
It is me you chose, and share with a kiss of pure sensuality.
My heart explodes, as our lips combine.
A soft wind blows, our passions untwine.
Now I am yours, and you are mine.
Your love leaves me breatheless, intoxicated in time.
Of which, in eternity, there's not even enough.
I am begging and pleading, please call my bluff.
The reason I live, all I have is you,
because, the moment I met you, all my dreams had come true.
Is It...
strange, that I feel comfort, from your embrace?
normal, that I long for your soft caress?
natural, to you, such enduring grace?
true, this feelings still as strong, none less?
okay, for me to tell you, what I feel?
sad though, that I can't find the words?
wrong, to pursue it, and make it real?
strange, that I feel comfort, from your embrace?
normal, that I long for your soft caress?
natural, to you, such enduring grace?
true, this feelings still as strong, none less?
okay, for me to tell you, what I feel?
sad though, that I can't find the words?
wrong, to pursue it, and make it real?
Because
You asked me why I loved you, and there's so much that I could say.
But if I am to be honest, it changes everyday.
Since the day I met you, you've brought joy into my life.
You took away all my pain, suffering, and strife.
I never thought that God would send me such a gift.
And in my heart you've sealed the ever present rift.
The feelings you instilled in me, I did not know that they exist.
I love the way you touch me, and how I get lost in your eyes.
Your beauty is a testament that you're an angel in disguise.
I feel like you were sent for me
And that you and I were meant to be.
You've been here with me for the best, and stood by me through the worst.
You've got my heart stretching at the seams, it's soon about to burst.
You mean the world to me, you are my heavens and my earth.
I will spend my life showing you your true value your true worth.
I love you in so many different ways, for all the little things.
Until my dying day my love for you will sing.
But if I am to be honest, it changes everyday.
Since the day I met you, you've brought joy into my life.
You took away all my pain, suffering, and strife.
I never thought that God would send me such a gift.
And in my heart you've sealed the ever present rift.
The feelings you instilled in me, I did not know that they exist.
I love the way you touch me, and how I get lost in your eyes.
Your beauty is a testament that you're an angel in disguise.
I feel like you were sent for me
And that you and I were meant to be.
You've been here with me for the best, and stood by me through the worst.
You've got my heart stretching at the seams, it's soon about to burst.
You mean the world to me, you are my heavens and my earth.
I will spend my life showing you your true value your true worth.
I love you in so many different ways, for all the little things.
Until my dying day my love for you will sing.
Dad
You would have been 59 today
Gone so fast I had no time to say
Everything That I needed
So I write and hope you read it
And there's no need to say
But we miss you everyday
Just like when you lived you're always watching over
Please keep your comforting hand resting on our shoulders
Gone so fast I had no time to say
Everything That I needed
So I write and hope you read it
And there's no need to say
But we miss you everyday
Just like when you lived you're always watching over
Please keep your comforting hand resting on our shoulders
Lost
I sit and think, suicide is so inviting
Now I'm at the brink, sick and tired of all this spiting
Watching my ship sink, now the cap is slowly twisting
Like a hose kink, and the tears are slowly dripping
On an ice rink, and stopping’s not an option
A hundred pills, is what I'm counting as I pop em
And now I fade, slowly drift into an abyss
I had it made, how could I do em like this
My family was all I ever needed
Take a fall, I can finally see it
Why else am I here, but to teach you how to live
Don't follow my example because I'm the one who needs it
Someone to look up to and strive to be just like
I guess I'll have to meet him in the next life
He's now approaching, and I can't seem to turn away
This whole thing, and still I want to say
I did my best and that's all that I could give
I love you more than you all could ever know
Still somehow I let it go everything I've ever known
Like a kid that's never grown, tried but was never shown
So in this life I was a clever drone drifting aimlessly
I am never gone within you lives me I'll be forever known.
Now I'm at the brink, sick and tired of all this spiting
Watching my ship sink, now the cap is slowly twisting
Like a hose kink, and the tears are slowly dripping
On an ice rink, and stopping’s not an option
A hundred pills, is what I'm counting as I pop em
And now I fade, slowly drift into an abyss
I had it made, how could I do em like this
My family was all I ever needed
Take a fall, I can finally see it
Why else am I here, but to teach you how to live
Don't follow my example because I'm the one who needs it
Someone to look up to and strive to be just like
I guess I'll have to meet him in the next life
He's now approaching, and I can't seem to turn away
This whole thing, and still I want to say
I did my best and that's all that I could give
I love you more than you all could ever know
Still somehow I let it go everything I've ever known
Like a kid that's never grown, tried but was never shown
So in this life I was a clever drone drifting aimlessly
I am never gone within you lives me I'll be forever known.
Forbidden
Close enough to touch you with my fingertips.
I've wanted nothing as much as to feel your lips.
Meeting mine in equal attractions.
Pure bliss, there shall be no distractions.
A secret we have kept, for far too long.
Discrete, yet it is for you I long.
To share the feelings that I have never known.
Now is the time to reap the love we've sewn.
Now we choose to deny and hide it.
We both lose, we should stand by it.
It was far more easy, when we did not know.
A wanderer with no compass, where do I go
from here, now that its out in the open.
It's here, the moment, for which we both have been hoping.
A vision was laid, together we're happy.
The decision was made, and it just can't be.
With this, the title, can't even describe it.
Hear this, no longer do I want to hide it.
Do we venture now, into this bold new horizon?
The answers glare, as I gaze into your eyes then,
we are us, and that's all that matters
Sleepless no more, my thoughts are no longer scattered.
Rest easy with me, it all makes sense now.
Tests we will see, but we'll figure things out.
I've wanted nothing as much as to feel your lips.
Meeting mine in equal attractions.
Pure bliss, there shall be no distractions.
A secret we have kept, for far too long.
Discrete, yet it is for you I long.
To share the feelings that I have never known.
Now is the time to reap the love we've sewn.
Now we choose to deny and hide it.
We both lose, we should stand by it.
It was far more easy, when we did not know.
A wanderer with no compass, where do I go
from here, now that its out in the open.
It's here, the moment, for which we both have been hoping.
A vision was laid, together we're happy.
The decision was made, and it just can't be.
With this, the title, can't even describe it.
Hear this, no longer do I want to hide it.
Do we venture now, into this bold new horizon?
The answers glare, as I gaze into your eyes then,
we are us, and that's all that matters
Sleepless no more, my thoughts are no longer scattered.
Rest easy with me, it all makes sense now.
Tests we will see, but we'll figure things out.
Sleepless
No longer can I tell, the difference of day and night.
In the day I dream of you, just like I do at night.
Never am I as happy, as when I think of you by my side.
But now I know I’ve lost you, and I can't deny.
I won't just sit here, I can't just not try.
Because I know that you're the one, I have searched for all my life.
I have no sense of time, I haven't seen the sun in weeks.
For now I miss the one thing, that my heart truly seeks.
I now understand the emotion, of which all great poets speak.
But even then my love for you, is something so unique.
And now as day turns to night, and night back in to day.
I pray that somehow, I'll have your love again one day.
In the day I dream of you, just like I do at night.
Never am I as happy, as when I think of you by my side.
But now I know I’ve lost you, and I can't deny.
I won't just sit here, I can't just not try.
Because I know that you're the one, I have searched for all my life.
I have no sense of time, I haven't seen the sun in weeks.
For now I miss the one thing, that my heart truly seeks.
I now understand the emotion, of which all great poets speak.
But even then my love for you, is something so unique.
And now as day turns to night, and night back in to day.
I pray that somehow, I'll have your love again one day.
Awe
I saw the sun set today
And it’s never meant so much to me
The answer to which I’ve prayed
To stop this darkness from taking over me
I know not where it comes from or how it came to be
But I know the song that I heard sang
Was playing just for me
Shelter
There’s this yearning way deep down
That’s been unknown to me
Every time I turn around
There you’re standing faithfully
And as I’m spiraling down
You’re there to uplift me
I sit and ponder
And slowly start to understand
Echoing like thunder
A force that nothing can withstand
I know it is, it must be love
I felt it as soon as I touched your hand
Rewind
I know some how I keep making mistakes
Ruining shit though there is nothing to break
How much harder can I push just how far will you go
Watching credits run because that's all that's left of this show
Keep trying rewind but this remote must be broke
Only pause seems to work is this some kind of joke
Can't even fast forward all the way to the end
Constant turmoil is the scene that I'm in
Changed the batteries twice but it makes no difference
Wish I could erase the tape and give you back your innocence
In a sense I guess we both grew changed forever
Then your scent reminds me of the love we both knew
Strained and shredded
Maybe I'll stay paused, seems it's better this way
Well, at least then I'll never reach the end of the tape
Ruining shit though there is nothing to break
How much harder can I push just how far will you go
Watching credits run because that's all that's left of this show
Keep trying rewind but this remote must be broke
Only pause seems to work is this some kind of joke
Can't even fast forward all the way to the end
Constant turmoil is the scene that I'm in
Changed the batteries twice but it makes no difference
Wish I could erase the tape and give you back your innocence
In a sense I guess we both grew changed forever
Then your scent reminds me of the love we both knew
Strained and shredded
Maybe I'll stay paused, seems it's better this way
Well, at least then I'll never reach the end of the tape
Saturday, July 9, 2011
The Bad Guy Always Dies
It's funny how some people will say mean things to you, for nothing more than to be mean. Then they expect you not to say anything in return. They say you should know when to bite your tongue, but you are only responding. People get away all their lives with saying hurtful things, because the other person is too afraid to stand up. Don't provoke and you won't be provoked. You can only poke a stick at a dog for so long before it takes your hand off.
I live by a simple principle; treat others the best I can. This is all inclusive. I will not be disrespect until disrespected, stinging words won't roll off my tongue unless warranted, and I apologize when wrong.
People these days lack the natural affection that has been instilled in us throughout history. Affection and compassion are viewed as weaknesses. So, many people "protect" themselves by being abrasive and abusive(not in the physical sense). The ones that are hurt are the "nice guys." The people who make every effort to make those around them comfortable, and let those who matter know that they do.
People are so used to the nice guys being nice, that when they do finally stand up for themselves, they are all of a sudden a jerk. Was what they said or did really all that bad that you just can't accept behavior like that from them? Or was it that they are so right, and you can't take being wrong? I believe it's the latter.
Everyone needs someone in their life that can keep them grounded, and remind them of how to treat people by treating them well. It all goes back to "do unto others as you'd have them do unto you." It's really that simple people. We complain about people and their attitudes, but have we focused on our own? "Let he who has no sin cast the first stone." It goes as far back as the bible. We should all stop worrying about being right, and just be good.
I live by a simple principle; treat others the best I can. This is all inclusive. I will not be disrespect until disrespected, stinging words won't roll off my tongue unless warranted, and I apologize when wrong.
People these days lack the natural affection that has been instilled in us throughout history. Affection and compassion are viewed as weaknesses. So, many people "protect" themselves by being abrasive and abusive(not in the physical sense). The ones that are hurt are the "nice guys." The people who make every effort to make those around them comfortable, and let those who matter know that they do.
People are so used to the nice guys being nice, that when they do finally stand up for themselves, they are all of a sudden a jerk. Was what they said or did really all that bad that you just can't accept behavior like that from them? Or was it that they are so right, and you can't take being wrong? I believe it's the latter.
Everyone needs someone in their life that can keep them grounded, and remind them of how to treat people by treating them well. It all goes back to "do unto others as you'd have them do unto you." It's really that simple people. We complain about people and their attitudes, but have we focused on our own? "Let he who has no sin cast the first stone." It goes as far back as the bible. We should all stop worrying about being right, and just be good.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Ego
I’m starting to realize, that no matter how much I want to be a good person and a good man. No matter how hard I try, I will always just be me. So, who am I? Ego is defined as “a sense of self.” My ego tells me that I am a good person that will do anything I can to make others happy, to keep them safe, and to always put myself last. In my eyes, I am a person that strives to do his best every single day. A person that does what he can to make a difference, a person that cares deeply for everyone, I’m fun loving, happy go lucky, and positive.
But, ego isn’t really what matters, is it? No matter how you see yourself, others will think that you are diluted. They will think something totally opposite of you. Unless of course, you hate yourself. Then, both opinions will be the same. We spend all of our lives trying to make people see us in a positive manner. But, why? No matter the effort we put in, it will forever be unfruitful. So who am I? In all else’s eyes I am what matters. While the real me may be my ego, the world will never perceive me that way.
In other’s eyes I am cocky, arrogant, dim-witted, and useless fool. I am a bigot, a fire starter, a convicted felon, a criminal, a short fuse, and an explosion waiting to happen. I am a chauvinist pig, a player, a manipulator, and a cheat. I am negative, pessimistic, depressed, angry, and a monger of hate. I am the one your parents warned you about, a predator, a snake, and the one you can’t take home to dad. I am everything that I should be, yet nothing at all. I have all of the “gifts” for success, but somehow I’m an utter failure. I have nothing to offer my self let alone anyone else. I’m the one that won’t go to the 10 year reunion of his high school graduation, because I’ve done nothing with my life. I’m the disgrace of the family, the black sheep, the one no one asks about, and the one that relatives don’t care to talk to when I’m around. I am that person that could go away, never return, and not be missed.
Now, what happens when the way you see yourself, and how the world sees you are reversed? What happens when you feel people see you that way, because in all reality that is YOUR self-image? I may be one of the world’s greatest actors, because my roles are reversed. While so many people see me as the way I described myself as my ego. I don’t. I am very unhappy with myself, and constantly trying to change to no avail. I know I’ve wronged many people in my life, and I am ashamed of almost every thought that crosses my mind. I don’t like myself as a person, the way I look, or the way I act.
Maybe now I understand why people value other’s opinions of them so much. To some people as in my case, that’s all they have…
Friday, April 8, 2011
The Ordeal: Days 2 and 3
Tuesday June 18, 2008
“In line for count!” I hear over the p.a. What a wake up call! First count is at 4:30 a.m. There was no chance I was falling back asleep. It was starting to sink in, just how long I was going to be here. Try and sleep with something like that on your mind. You really don’t have a choice in the matter.
Jail is run on inmate “politics,” I have no choice but to participate. The Woods’ rep approaches me later that morning. He explains the rules to me, “spit and piss in these toilets, don’t use this one, and don’t shower with blacks or Asians.” “Simple enough,” I thought to myself. Honestly, this place is so disgusting I don’t plan on using anything. The whole place is musty, damp, and dark. To move around if you decide to get out of your bunk is difficult. Everywhere you turn you’ve got some one who is staring you down. The showers looked more like a still, with bags of pruno steeping. Makes me hope that I can come out of this without some sort of disease. There I go, right back to my bunk. That’s where I plan to stay for as long as I can. I knew I should be getting transferred soon, anyways.
Later that day I borrow a pencil. I draw a calendar, as to not lose track of days. I work the numbers, 2/3 of 120 is 80 minus 15 days time served equals 65. I run through them again. 2/3 of 105 is 35. 105 minus 30 is 70. Its simple math, but I can’t seem to work it out. Every time I come up with something different. Either way, I’ll be doing at least 65 days if all goes well.
My bunkie lends me some old “Sports Illustrated” to look at. Finally! Some sort of mind occupation! I sit looking through them, even though I’ve seen them before. Then I start to think of watching sports with Raymond. I already miss sitting and having a few beers, while I talked shit to him about the Lakers. There are so many things that I can already think of. It’s not gone forever, but it might as well be. When you’re facing something like this, the only world you’ve ever known no longer exists. Get used to the “now” because that’s how to survive. But soon, I’ll be out, and things will go back to normal at the end of the summer. Or so I hope.
Thursday June 19, 2008
Same wake up call as the day before. I realize, “I haven’t used the bathroom since Monday.” I also know that I am not going to step foot in those bathrooms. So, I hold it. It’s been this long, what’s a little while longer?
What I believe was a few hours later, I hear “Warren 613, roll it up.” Finally! I was being transferred to Lacy. I couldn’t wait to get out of this place! As I’m rolling up my mat, and getting my stuff together. People catch on that I’m leaving. Like a swarm of leeches they all come running over to me. “Hey man! Let me get your top…is that a new t shirt?..What about your shoes? You’re getting new ones anyways!” Everyone wanted something, but I wasn’t about to swap clothes with them. There was no way I was touching anything that these guys had worn. All of the transfers were gathered in a room. I still have no clue what’s going on. I was new to this, unlike most people here. I just know that I’m a little more comfortable already. “You’re going to Musick,” I hear as I look up to see another inmate checking out the paperwork in my hand. It was a blessing, but now there is no chance of seeing my best friend. Who was also locked up at Lacy. I hope he is doing okay.
They send us into another room, and we all change back into our street clothes. It felt so good to wear my own clothes, but it also gave me a false sense of hope. These clothes meant I was free. Meant I was going home. But, in all reality they were coming off for jail issue in a matter of minutes. I began to wonder as to how I could be so lucky to go to Musick. Then it hit me! I haven’t seen Allison pray since she was twelve. The day before and the day I went in, she prayed for my safety. What do you know? Maybe there is a God.
I arrive at Musick, look around, and am amazed. No bars, no razor wire, and the doors are standing open! This is nuts! The guards are treating me with respect, so far. All they ask is that the favor is returned. I get housed. Real toilets, mirrors, and open air! So far this is like Allison said, “this will be easier than those camps you used to go to.” I get to thinking about how fast this time will pass. You know how when you buy a lotto ticket, and you starting making plans for the money? Well, I started planning for my release, as if it were tomorrow. But, that only snaps you even harder back to earth. I went from floating in the clouds to sitting back on a one inch thick mat that’s supposed to be a bed. I’m still in jail, I’ve got a long time to go, and this is all looking too good to be true. This only made me miss my sister more. I fell asleep
I awake a little while later, and go grab a book to read. Turns out it was “The New Testament.” I got through The Book of Matthew, and was moved to the workers barracks shortly after. Big place. Lots of windows, lots of beds, and people to match. There are about 130 men in this one room. It’s a lot like a high school gymnasium. Minus all the comforts and air conditioning. It’s so hot, I’m already drenched in sweat, and the flies were driving me insane. Mind you, I’ve been here for all of 15 minutes. Either way it’s better than where I was. I shower, brush my teeth, and finally use the bathroom. All for the first time since Monday. Just in time for lights out. I guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to make “friends.”
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
The Ordeal: Day 1
Tuesday June 17, 2008
We're all joking and laughing, trying to make the most of this last ride together. Hiding the fact that we all want to cry. "Fuck it! Who wants to go to Mexico instead?" I joke. A quiet chuckle from James. Strange, James is never at a loss for words. Allison hasn't really said much this whole morning, and Raymond is complaining about the other drivers. Eventually, we end up at the Orange County Courthouse. Where we all knew we were headed, but wished we weren't. We've got plenty of time, yet, I can't seem to take mine. I walk fast and ahead of the others. They probably assume I just want to get it over with. They're wrong, I just couldn't face them. The courtroom is closed. I guess I was blessed with a few extra minutes. We all head out to the smoking patio. It's crowded and noisy, yet all I can seem to hear is the cigarette burning. No words were exchanged.
We head back to the courtroom, and it opens shortly afterwards. We find our seats, and I make sure to sit next to the aisle. Just in case I change my mind and decide to run. I hug James, "I love you buddy." I hug Raymond, "I love you bro" he whispers. Then there's Allison. There one person I let down the most. I give a hug and tell her I love her. We can't seem to let go, and I can't hear anything but her sobs.
My public defender Kelly comes over to talk to me. I pitch the idea of house arrest, again. Knowing how far from the plate that change up is. She tells me she'll try, but can't promise anything. The judge calls my name. I panic! Kelly is speaking with another client. "is this really it? Is it that quick?" I wonder. Then Kelly comes sliding home, head first. She postpones the sentencing, if only for a few minutes.
I return to my seat with a slight sense of hope. Raymond's head is in his hands, James stares straight ahead, and Allison can't stop shaking. I tell them it will be okay, either way. I was lying!
Kelly emerges from the chamber room. She walks over to the man, who had her sidetracked earlier. "Her offer is six years," she tells him. Not a good sign for me. Just means the judge is in a bad mood. She heads over to me, and I already know it's bad news. "Looks like you're going to have to go in," she tells me. As prepared as I thought I was, I was that much more not. I keep a strong face for my sister. Maybe if she thinks I'm not afraid, she won't be.
There I stand, before the judge. She tells me what I've known for the past three months, "you'll be serving 120 days." A "good luck" from Kelly, "palms together" from the deputies, two cuffs ratcheting down on my freedom, and I'm officially inmate #2457613.
I sit handcuffed in plain view for another 10 minutes. The deputies finish the paperwork, open the door, and stand me up. Two steps, I give my sister one last glance, and I'm gone. I walk down a long corridor, fighting back the tears. After a few searches, and final paperwork down to the basement holding cells. I sit in a cell with three other "newbooks." We are moved around between a few cells, then were loaded onto the bus.
I get to the main processing center. Also known as "the loop." This is the part I dreaded the most. When I was originally arrested I spent about 19 hours here. The cells are stuffy, but cold at the same time. Maximum capacity on the door clearly states 15, I count 21. People are sleeping on the floors, their heads resting on the piss stained concrete. The toilets are backed up, the faucets don't work, and the whole thing smells of urine and sweat.
Things are actually moving along quite smoothly. "We should be housed within two hours," says a pissed off drug addict who's coming down from a good one. Then things just stop. All the while I can see the deputies having a good ole time, joking and laughing with each other. While we wait in this festering cesspool called a cell.
I have no sense of time, and was hoping to be housed in time to watch game six of the finals. I realized that didn't happen, when I caught a glimpse of a deputy's watch. The little hand on the nine, and the big hand on the three. 9:15 p.m. I've been here for almost 10 hours. I decide to ask the deputy a question. Knowing that talking to them was a bad idea. "Who won the game?" I blurted. Waiting for the bad news, or my head smashed against the wall. "The Celtics," he responds with absolutely no emotion. The first good news I'd heard all day.
I'm finally house around 1 a.m. 15 hours in the loop! Drove me insane. I wanted to be anywhere but there. Until i saw where I was going. A 60 man cell with at least 100 men in it. Felt like a dungeon. No windows, no sunlight, I couldn't even sit up in my bunk, and I was top rack.
All I wanted was sleep. So, I did.
We're all joking and laughing, trying to make the most of this last ride together. Hiding the fact that we all want to cry. "Fuck it! Who wants to go to Mexico instead?" I joke. A quiet chuckle from James. Strange, James is never at a loss for words. Allison hasn't really said much this whole morning, and Raymond is complaining about the other drivers. Eventually, we end up at the Orange County Courthouse. Where we all knew we were headed, but wished we weren't. We've got plenty of time, yet, I can't seem to take mine. I walk fast and ahead of the others. They probably assume I just want to get it over with. They're wrong, I just couldn't face them. The courtroom is closed. I guess I was blessed with a few extra minutes. We all head out to the smoking patio. It's crowded and noisy, yet all I can seem to hear is the cigarette burning. No words were exchanged.
We head back to the courtroom, and it opens shortly afterwards. We find our seats, and I make sure to sit next to the aisle. Just in case I change my mind and decide to run. I hug James, "I love you buddy." I hug Raymond, "I love you bro" he whispers. Then there's Allison. There one person I let down the most. I give a hug and tell her I love her. We can't seem to let go, and I can't hear anything but her sobs.
My public defender Kelly comes over to talk to me. I pitch the idea of house arrest, again. Knowing how far from the plate that change up is. She tells me she'll try, but can't promise anything. The judge calls my name. I panic! Kelly is speaking with another client. "is this really it? Is it that quick?" I wonder. Then Kelly comes sliding home, head first. She postpones the sentencing, if only for a few minutes.
I return to my seat with a slight sense of hope. Raymond's head is in his hands, James stares straight ahead, and Allison can't stop shaking. I tell them it will be okay, either way. I was lying!
Kelly emerges from the chamber room. She walks over to the man, who had her sidetracked earlier. "Her offer is six years," she tells him. Not a good sign for me. Just means the judge is in a bad mood. She heads over to me, and I already know it's bad news. "Looks like you're going to have to go in," she tells me. As prepared as I thought I was, I was that much more not. I keep a strong face for my sister. Maybe if she thinks I'm not afraid, she won't be.
There I stand, before the judge. She tells me what I've known for the past three months, "you'll be serving 120 days." A "good luck" from Kelly, "palms together" from the deputies, two cuffs ratcheting down on my freedom, and I'm officially inmate #2457613.
I sit handcuffed in plain view for another 10 minutes. The deputies finish the paperwork, open the door, and stand me up. Two steps, I give my sister one last glance, and I'm gone. I walk down a long corridor, fighting back the tears. After a few searches, and final paperwork down to the basement holding cells. I sit in a cell with three other "newbooks." We are moved around between a few cells, then were loaded onto the bus.
I get to the main processing center. Also known as "the loop." This is the part I dreaded the most. When I was originally arrested I spent about 19 hours here. The cells are stuffy, but cold at the same time. Maximum capacity on the door clearly states 15, I count 21. People are sleeping on the floors, their heads resting on the piss stained concrete. The toilets are backed up, the faucets don't work, and the whole thing smells of urine and sweat.
Things are actually moving along quite smoothly. "We should be housed within two hours," says a pissed off drug addict who's coming down from a good one. Then things just stop. All the while I can see the deputies having a good ole time, joking and laughing with each other. While we wait in this festering cesspool called a cell.
I have no sense of time, and was hoping to be housed in time to watch game six of the finals. I realized that didn't happen, when I caught a glimpse of a deputy's watch. The little hand on the nine, and the big hand on the three. 9:15 p.m. I've been here for almost 10 hours. I decide to ask the deputy a question. Knowing that talking to them was a bad idea. "Who won the game?" I blurted. Waiting for the bad news, or my head smashed against the wall. "The Celtics," he responds with absolutely no emotion. The first good news I'd heard all day.
I'm finally house around 1 a.m. 15 hours in the loop! Drove me insane. I wanted to be anywhere but there. Until i saw where I was going. A 60 man cell with at least 100 men in it. Felt like a dungeon. No windows, no sunlight, I couldn't even sit up in my bunk, and I was top rack.
All I wanted was sleep. So, I did.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Smile
"It ain't all good, but it's all good enough. So, I know I'm alright." Eyedea
When things are good they could always be better. No matter what we do we have reasons to complain. We search for something to be "wrong." We have an insatiable desire for bigger better things.
I'm in a good spot. The best place I've been in quite a while. I'm happy, in a new relationship, live in a nice house, have a job, and am getting closer to family on a daily basis. While I really like where I'm at, and I shouldn't complain. I know I could be doing certain things differently. We all could. This is just part of our need for more.
It is human nature to be greedy. Like it or not! Argue if you will, but we all know it's true. Proof: we go to buffets. Do we stop eating when we are satisfied or full? No, we keep going back for plate after plate. Just because it's there, and just because we can. That's greed. Taking more when we need none. It's evident in everyday life, and everyday activities.
"But time taught me how to see every second as heaven even though they're perfectly disguised as hell." Eyedea
One thing it seems none of us are capable of, is acknowledging that it could always be worse. No matter how down we are, there is always further to fall. We all handle things like they are some sort of tragedy. The irony in it is when we look back after we've made it through, it seems almost comical.
We all need to learn to live in the now. To be content with where we are at in life. Smile when we should, and even we don't believe we can. Excuse me for being cliche, but we must roll with the punches. When we accept the beauty that is our everyday life, we will then be able to move on to bigger and better things.
The two quotes I've used are from Eydea & Abilities "Smile." Eyedea was by far one of the most prolific and profound artist that has ever lived. The song has the best message I've ever heard conveyed through music. Definitely worth a listen, but only if you analyze the lyrics. Eyedeas lyrics have the capability to change you outlook on everything. Life, love, music, and faith. R.I.P. Mr. Larsen aka Eyedea.
When things are good they could always be better. No matter what we do we have reasons to complain. We search for something to be "wrong." We have an insatiable desire for bigger better things.
I'm in a good spot. The best place I've been in quite a while. I'm happy, in a new relationship, live in a nice house, have a job, and am getting closer to family on a daily basis. While I really like where I'm at, and I shouldn't complain. I know I could be doing certain things differently. We all could. This is just part of our need for more.
It is human nature to be greedy. Like it or not! Argue if you will, but we all know it's true. Proof: we go to buffets. Do we stop eating when we are satisfied or full? No, we keep going back for plate after plate. Just because it's there, and just because we can. That's greed. Taking more when we need none. It's evident in everyday life, and everyday activities.
"But time taught me how to see every second as heaven even though they're perfectly disguised as hell." Eyedea
One thing it seems none of us are capable of, is acknowledging that it could always be worse. No matter how down we are, there is always further to fall. We all handle things like they are some sort of tragedy. The irony in it is when we look back after we've made it through, it seems almost comical.
We all need to learn to live in the now. To be content with where we are at in life. Smile when we should, and even we don't believe we can. Excuse me for being cliche, but we must roll with the punches. When we accept the beauty that is our everyday life, we will then be able to move on to bigger and better things.
The two quotes I've used are from Eydea & Abilities "Smile." Eyedea was by far one of the most prolific and profound artist that has ever lived. The song has the best message I've ever heard conveyed through music. Definitely worth a listen, but only if you analyze the lyrics. Eyedeas lyrics have the capability to change you outlook on everything. Life, love, music, and faith. R.I.P. Mr. Larsen aka Eyedea.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
My Obsession
So, I have this fascination with Superman. Okay, it's more of an obsession. I own far too many like themed clothing articles, and have even gotten his shield tattooed on my back. Most of my friends even refer to me as Superman. You may ask yourself, "why is a 25 year old man into Superman?" I ask you, "why not?"
"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton. We are all born with absolute power and control over our lives. Ultimately we decide how we live, and what we want to do with our "talents." For the most part, we do enough to get by. Enough to not stand out. Many that do choose to stand out, often stand out for the wrong reasons.
Yes, he is a fictional character, but take Clark Kent. Just an average down home boy who is not so average. He bears a great moral obligation to do the best he can for this world. He doesn't choose to because he is practically invincible. He does so because it's the right thing to do. He takes it upon himself to use his unique abilities for the good of mankind.
Many will find that hard to grasp, because he is super powered. But think of how easy it would be for anyone in his shoes to take advantage, and ultimately do bad. Maybe even do nothing at all. He sticks to his moral beliefs, and never falters. If we could all do the same...
We are living in a world, where morality means almost nothing. Everyone just waiting for the next person's back to turn, so they can put a blade in it. With the offer of money we will do almost anything we would normally oppose. Loyalty is almost non existent, and there are few that understand the concept.
So like I said..."why not?" Who better to have as a moral compass? The morals, convictions, and beliefs that have been instilled in me and developed as I have grown. I stick to. The honor of being a genuine person is worth more to me than all the money in the world. The respect you gain from never wavering from your stand is amazing.
Superman and my father are my role models. I have tattoos for both, to remind me everyday of how I should live my life. I like to think of myself as the guardian of my friends and family. Sounds lame, I know. But I would do anything on any day to make sure they are safe. I also like to believe that this is why the nickname has stuck with me. Along with me efforts to always be the best I can.
Fictional character, yes. Who are your role models? People you've heard or read about in books? Think about who writes these "historical events." While these events and people did/do exist. Much of their stories are also fictionalized. We read, hear, and see what the authors want us to believe as true. So how is Superman any different?
"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton. We are all born with absolute power and control over our lives. Ultimately we decide how we live, and what we want to do with our "talents." For the most part, we do enough to get by. Enough to not stand out. Many that do choose to stand out, often stand out for the wrong reasons.
Yes, he is a fictional character, but take Clark Kent. Just an average down home boy who is not so average. He bears a great moral obligation to do the best he can for this world. He doesn't choose to because he is practically invincible. He does so because it's the right thing to do. He takes it upon himself to use his unique abilities for the good of mankind.
Many will find that hard to grasp, because he is super powered. But think of how easy it would be for anyone in his shoes to take advantage, and ultimately do bad. Maybe even do nothing at all. He sticks to his moral beliefs, and never falters. If we could all do the same...
We are living in a world, where morality means almost nothing. Everyone just waiting for the next person's back to turn, so they can put a blade in it. With the offer of money we will do almost anything we would normally oppose. Loyalty is almost non existent, and there are few that understand the concept.
So like I said..."why not?" Who better to have as a moral compass? The morals, convictions, and beliefs that have been instilled in me and developed as I have grown. I stick to. The honor of being a genuine person is worth more to me than all the money in the world. The respect you gain from never wavering from your stand is amazing.
Superman and my father are my role models. I have tattoos for both, to remind me everyday of how I should live my life. I like to think of myself as the guardian of my friends and family. Sounds lame, I know. But I would do anything on any day to make sure they are safe. I also like to believe that this is why the nickname has stuck with me. Along with me efforts to always be the best I can.
Fictional character, yes. Who are your role models? People you've heard or read about in books? Think about who writes these "historical events." While these events and people did/do exist. Much of their stories are also fictionalized. We read, hear, and see what the authors want us to believe as true. So how is Superman any different?
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Legacy
"You will be different, sometimes you'll feel like an outcast, but you'll never be alone. You will make my strength your own. You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father becomes the son." Superman to Jason.
Today is the 10 year anniversary of my father's death. Every year around this time it is inevitable that I become slightly depressed. Who wouldn't? It is a day that changed my life. It's the day I lost my father. A day that will forever affect me, whether I realize it or not.
This year is different. I have grown so much, and experienced so many things. It has been a year of enlightenment. I have grown to know who I really am, and that it is because of my father I am this way. He was a good man. The best I've ever known. If I could grow to be half as wise, smart, caring, and good as him. I will have achieved everything I've ever hoped for.
He was everything to me. Of course, like all fathers and sons we had our differences. It wouldn't be natural to not. He always pushed me to do better. He taught me to play basketball, and he taught me well. He kept me active in boy scouts, sat in on wrestling practice, encouraged me when I couldn't get a song on the sax just right, practiced football with me, came to every sporting event, every scout meeting, and above all else was always a good role model.
I've always felt like I would never live up to the expectations he had for me. Or even mine for that matter. I know he watches me, and sees the man I've become. Just as when I was a kid, I watched and learned from the man he was. I am growing into the man he was. In essence, his strength has become mine.
Since he's been gone I've come to realize that it is my responsibility to carry on his legacy. It is my honor, as his son, to do so. If I can influence people around the way he did, and teach them to be good. I could actually succeed in making a difference. Carrying on his lessons is my way to pay it forward.
Many people have said similar things, but Eminem strikes me most. "instead of mourning your death, I'd rather celebrate your life. Elevate to new heights.." From now on, this day will be the celebration of a good man. It will be a reason for me to be happy. Happy that I was blessed with such an amazing role model, a day to remember my father, to remember the things he taught me, to remind myself to stay on track, to honor my father's name the only way I know how, and that is to try each and every day to be like him.
Today is the 10 year anniversary of my father's death. Every year around this time it is inevitable that I become slightly depressed. Who wouldn't? It is a day that changed my life. It's the day I lost my father. A day that will forever affect me, whether I realize it or not.
This year is different. I have grown so much, and experienced so many things. It has been a year of enlightenment. I have grown to know who I really am, and that it is because of my father I am this way. He was a good man. The best I've ever known. If I could grow to be half as wise, smart, caring, and good as him. I will have achieved everything I've ever hoped for.
He was everything to me. Of course, like all fathers and sons we had our differences. It wouldn't be natural to not. He always pushed me to do better. He taught me to play basketball, and he taught me well. He kept me active in boy scouts, sat in on wrestling practice, encouraged me when I couldn't get a song on the sax just right, practiced football with me, came to every sporting event, every scout meeting, and above all else was always a good role model.
I've always felt like I would never live up to the expectations he had for me. Or even mine for that matter. I know he watches me, and sees the man I've become. Just as when I was a kid, I watched and learned from the man he was. I am growing into the man he was. In essence, his strength has become mine.
Since he's been gone I've come to realize that it is my responsibility to carry on his legacy. It is my honor, as his son, to do so. If I can influence people around the way he did, and teach them to be good. I could actually succeed in making a difference. Carrying on his lessons is my way to pay it forward.
Many people have said similar things, but Eminem strikes me most. "instead of mourning your death, I'd rather celebrate your life. Elevate to new heights.." From now on, this day will be the celebration of a good man. It will be a reason for me to be happy. Happy that I was blessed with such an amazing role model, a day to remember my father, to remember the things he taught me, to remind myself to stay on track, to honor my father's name the only way I know how, and that is to try each and every day to be like him.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Complications of A Big Heart/Shadows of The Past
As I've stated before, I'm adopted. I came to live with this family in 1995. For the most part it has been great! Just like any normal family we have our issues. I wouldn't trade my family for the world.
Here's my story...
I was born into drugs, alcohol, prostitution, and various other things. My earliest memory is from when I was a year and a half. We were bringing my newborn little sister home. Needless to say I've got a lot of memories. For the most part they're all bad.
We moved around a lot. Never really staying anywhere for long. We lived anywhere from motels, trailers, apartments, town homes, to cars. And for the majority of the time, we were without things like heat and electricity. To take baths we had to heat water up on the stove, and dump it in the tub. Once there was enough water all five of us would take turns bathing in the same water.
The food stamps we received weren't enough. Many times for dinner we'd get a slice of fried bologna. One pack of it would feed all of us for a week. There was no such thing as pop or candy for us. If we were lucky enough to have milk, it was powdered. When we didn't we'd eat the cereal that we stole from school with water. Even the water was bad, coming straight from a well or a neighbors water hose most of the time.
We lived in freezing temperatures during winter. Everyone wearing everything they can, and all huddled under the same blanket to keep warm. Seeing our breath in doors was a common occurrence. Staying up all night in front of the oven with the door open trying to get some kind of heat was as well.
My father was a violent, abusive alcoholic. Many times I witnessed him beating my mother, and constantly being arrested for guns, drugs, domestic violence, and assault. He would chase us around the house throwing knives at our feet. We would constantly lock ourselves in the bathroom to get away from him. There was no escaping, he would always eventually kick in the door.
My mother was also an alcoholic with a drug problem. She wasn't violent towards us, and she did her best. She would frequently bring strange men home, and you could imagine the things we'd see. After our father was finally gone, she would sometimes leave for days on end. All 5 of us kids just left alone.
One day she left, said she was going to get money from someone who owes her. She never came back. My youngest sister was just over a year old, my oldest brother was 9. We'd been here before, so we knew exactly what to do. My brother would stay home with my little sister, and my other two sisters and I would walk to school like we did every other day. We knew what to do to not get caught, but I guess we didn't do well enough.
A week of this goes by, and they finally caught on. My brother hadn't been to school in a week, and we hadn't bathed, combed our hair, or changed clothes in the same. On that last day, instead of walking home at the end of the day we were called into the office. The waiting for the three of us was; my brother, sister, DHS, and the police. Wed been caught onto.
They immediately take us to the youth shelter. Which is just a nicer way of saying orphanage. We were there for over a month before our mom came. How long would we have been left alone? Why didn't she come sooner? We spent a few more weeks there, before we were all split up.
After the shelter we bounced around, from foster home to foster home and back to the shelter. Until our grandma, grandpa, aunts, and uncles won custody of us. We stayed with them until our grandma was stricken with cancer, and they just couldn't take care of us anymore. Back to the shelter we went.
This was only for a short time. We were then sent to the family that eventually adopted us. Our family. We've had our ups and downs with them. Six years after being adopted, we lost our adoptive father. The man we all consider our real father. Since being adopted we hadn't looked in the direction of our biological family.
But what happens when over 15 years later, they try to come roaring back into your life? My birth mother has recently attempted to contact my siblings and I through Facebook. Why?! After all these years? I have no interest in asking questions, and I have no answers for her questions. I know the events of our past, and I stand to gain nothing from contact with her. Is this for her own peace of mind? Is this how she plans to make herself feel better about everything? Do I talk to her and give her that, when she's given me nothing but heartache and bad memories? Am I bitter for not wanting to talk to her? What would other people do? Am I wrong for just wanting her to be gone, and not come back? I wish her no ill will, and only the best. But it is in mine and my family's best interest to not be involved with her.
I was raised by two amazing people, and given a great life. I've been afforded many opportunities because of them. I'm thankful everyday for the family I've gained through this adoption, and for the people that are a part of my life because of it.
Here's my story...
I was born into drugs, alcohol, prostitution, and various other things. My earliest memory is from when I was a year and a half. We were bringing my newborn little sister home. Needless to say I've got a lot of memories. For the most part they're all bad.
We moved around a lot. Never really staying anywhere for long. We lived anywhere from motels, trailers, apartments, town homes, to cars. And for the majority of the time, we were without things like heat and electricity. To take baths we had to heat water up on the stove, and dump it in the tub. Once there was enough water all five of us would take turns bathing in the same water.
The food stamps we received weren't enough. Many times for dinner we'd get a slice of fried bologna. One pack of it would feed all of us for a week. There was no such thing as pop or candy for us. If we were lucky enough to have milk, it was powdered. When we didn't we'd eat the cereal that we stole from school with water. Even the water was bad, coming straight from a well or a neighbors water hose most of the time.
We lived in freezing temperatures during winter. Everyone wearing everything they can, and all huddled under the same blanket to keep warm. Seeing our breath in doors was a common occurrence. Staying up all night in front of the oven with the door open trying to get some kind of heat was as well.
My father was a violent, abusive alcoholic. Many times I witnessed him beating my mother, and constantly being arrested for guns, drugs, domestic violence, and assault. He would chase us around the house throwing knives at our feet. We would constantly lock ourselves in the bathroom to get away from him. There was no escaping, he would always eventually kick in the door.
My mother was also an alcoholic with a drug problem. She wasn't violent towards us, and she did her best. She would frequently bring strange men home, and you could imagine the things we'd see. After our father was finally gone, she would sometimes leave for days on end. All 5 of us kids just left alone.
One day she left, said she was going to get money from someone who owes her. She never came back. My youngest sister was just over a year old, my oldest brother was 9. We'd been here before, so we knew exactly what to do. My brother would stay home with my little sister, and my other two sisters and I would walk to school like we did every other day. We knew what to do to not get caught, but I guess we didn't do well enough.
A week of this goes by, and they finally caught on. My brother hadn't been to school in a week, and we hadn't bathed, combed our hair, or changed clothes in the same. On that last day, instead of walking home at the end of the day we were called into the office. The waiting for the three of us was; my brother, sister, DHS, and the police. Wed been caught onto.
They immediately take us to the youth shelter. Which is just a nicer way of saying orphanage. We were there for over a month before our mom came. How long would we have been left alone? Why didn't she come sooner? We spent a few more weeks there, before we were all split up.
After the shelter we bounced around, from foster home to foster home and back to the shelter. Until our grandma, grandpa, aunts, and uncles won custody of us. We stayed with them until our grandma was stricken with cancer, and they just couldn't take care of us anymore. Back to the shelter we went.
This was only for a short time. We were then sent to the family that eventually adopted us. Our family. We've had our ups and downs with them. Six years after being adopted, we lost our adoptive father. The man we all consider our real father. Since being adopted we hadn't looked in the direction of our biological family.
But what happens when over 15 years later, they try to come roaring back into your life? My birth mother has recently attempted to contact my siblings and I through Facebook. Why?! After all these years? I have no interest in asking questions, and I have no answers for her questions. I know the events of our past, and I stand to gain nothing from contact with her. Is this for her own peace of mind? Is this how she plans to make herself feel better about everything? Do I talk to her and give her that, when she's given me nothing but heartache and bad memories? Am I bitter for not wanting to talk to her? What would other people do? Am I wrong for just wanting her to be gone, and not come back? I wish her no ill will, and only the best. But it is in mine and my family's best interest to not be involved with her.
I was raised by two amazing people, and given a great life. I've been afforded many opportunities because of them. I'm thankful everyday for the family I've gained through this adoption, and for the people that are a part of my life because of it.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Good Parents
For many moral reasons, we do not accept food stamps/EBT at the store. I don't agree with the system, or most of the people using them.
Here's an everyday scenario. A mom or dad come in, usually with two to three kids. "Give me a pack of your cheapest smokes, and what cheap vodkas do you have?" At this time the kids are picking out a candy bar or bag of chips. Both $.99. I ring up their $3.75 cigarettes, and the $3.80 bottle of Potter's Vodka. The kids come up, "mommy, daddy can I get this?!" "No! We don't have money for that!" they shun their children. "How much is it?" they ask. "7.55" I tell them. "you accept EBT right?" they pose. "I'm sorry, no we don't" I respond. They proceed to get mad, and tell me how absurd it is that we don't. When absurd is probably just a cool word they heard on a show, and they don't know what it means. They pull out a crisp $100 bill, and pay.
I thought they said they didn't have enough to buy the bag of chips that cost $.99? Strange. Isn't EBT/food stamps given to you to help with the care and well being of your children? Apparently, it's given to quench the alcoholism of the parents. I don't have kids, but I do know that a parent should go without before their child ever does! I would not ever bring my children with me to go spend food stamps on alcohol. There are people like this all over the country, milking the system. When, there are also people who would use it for the right reason, and they can't even qualify! It is my belief that the system needs a serious overhaul, and parents like these should lose their children until they can prove they deserve them. Until they realize the error of their ways.
I grew up on food stamps, and still we didn't have much. Practically nothing, but our parents did without too! While nowadays there are kids who have never had a Snickers bar, because their "parents" need there alcohol, cigarettes, weed, and miscellaneous other substances. It sickens me to witness, and pisses me off the Child Protective Services exist for no reason. They must spend all day facebooking and playing farmville, because they're not doing their jobs. This is just another example of our country's mixed up priorities.
Here's an everyday scenario. A mom or dad come in, usually with two to three kids. "Give me a pack of your cheapest smokes, and what cheap vodkas do you have?" At this time the kids are picking out a candy bar or bag of chips. Both $.99. I ring up their $3.75 cigarettes, and the $3.80 bottle of Potter's Vodka. The kids come up, "mommy, daddy can I get this?!" "No! We don't have money for that!" they shun their children. "How much is it?" they ask. "7.55" I tell them. "you accept EBT right?" they pose. "I'm sorry, no we don't" I respond. They proceed to get mad, and tell me how absurd it is that we don't. When absurd is probably just a cool word they heard on a show, and they don't know what it means. They pull out a crisp $100 bill, and pay.
I thought they said they didn't have enough to buy the bag of chips that cost $.99? Strange. Isn't EBT/food stamps given to you to help with the care and well being of your children? Apparently, it's given to quench the alcoholism of the parents. I don't have kids, but I do know that a parent should go without before their child ever does! I would not ever bring my children with me to go spend food stamps on alcohol. There are people like this all over the country, milking the system. When, there are also people who would use it for the right reason, and they can't even qualify! It is my belief that the system needs a serious overhaul, and parents like these should lose their children until they can prove they deserve them. Until they realize the error of their ways.
I grew up on food stamps, and still we didn't have much. Practically nothing, but our parents did without too! While nowadays there are kids who have never had a Snickers bar, because their "parents" need there alcohol, cigarettes, weed, and miscellaneous other substances. It sickens me to witness, and pisses me off the Child Protective Services exist for no reason. They must spend all day facebooking and playing farmville, because they're not doing their jobs. This is just another example of our country's mixed up priorities.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Family
They say friends are the family you choose. Friends are the people we hand pick to be a part of our lives. We usually find something in them, that is the exact opposite of what we can't stand about our families. Personally, I'm not very close to family. Part by choice, and part by things I can't control.
My best friend happens to be my sister. Someone with whom I never got along with growing up. We've shared apartments, friends, money, and hardships. Mostly because of the fact that we are siblings. In recent years I haven't felt obligated, but have chosen to be involved. Sure, she may not like it sometimes. Like when I scare other guys away, or try to beat up her boyfriends. However, I know that in the end she is thankful for it. Her best interest is my best interest.
I was engaged early this past year. When it all ended, and I was lost. She was standing there with my compass. She was the "spinning arrow" in Pocahontas' dream. We hadn't been getting along too well, due to reasons I will not disclose. What matters is she was there when I needed someone most. Through her I realized that things would work out, and some things are destined for failure(i.e. the engagement)
My point being. We spend a lot of our time, complaining and not liking family. We go out of our ways to distance ourselves from them, and pretending they don't mean much to you. When things with friends change in a heartbeat. Friendships between men ruined because of a girl. Relationships between women ended over a man. He says she says can form sides, and create a war between friends. So many petty things can expose true colors, and we put so much time and effort into our friends. When no matter the differences, our families are always there. No matter what has gone on between us, we'll always be there. So why don't we make family the friends we choose, for once. Maybe then we can all be truly content, and understand what matters.
My best friend happens to be my sister. Someone with whom I never got along with growing up. We've shared apartments, friends, money, and hardships. Mostly because of the fact that we are siblings. In recent years I haven't felt obligated, but have chosen to be involved. Sure, she may not like it sometimes. Like when I scare other guys away, or try to beat up her boyfriends. However, I know that in the end she is thankful for it. Her best interest is my best interest.
I was engaged early this past year. When it all ended, and I was lost. She was standing there with my compass. She was the "spinning arrow" in Pocahontas' dream. We hadn't been getting along too well, due to reasons I will not disclose. What matters is she was there when I needed someone most. Through her I realized that things would work out, and some things are destined for failure(i.e. the engagement)
My point being. We spend a lot of our time, complaining and not liking family. We go out of our ways to distance ourselves from them, and pretending they don't mean much to you. When things with friends change in a heartbeat. Friendships between men ruined because of a girl. Relationships between women ended over a man. He says she says can form sides, and create a war between friends. So many petty things can expose true colors, and we put so much time and effort into our friends. When no matter the differences, our families are always there. No matter what has gone on between us, we'll always be there. So why don't we make family the friends we choose, for once. Maybe then we can all be truly content, and understand what matters.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Success
"Suc•cess (suhk•sess)
Noun
1. The attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like."
Remember times when this was not our standard definition of success? We all need to face it, and realize that for the most part none of us will achieve any of those. At least not in the traditional sense. So who tells us if we are successful? Should we not be the ones to make that call? If we have good standing relationships with friends and family, a job that supports us, and to be trusted by the people we know an love are we not wealthy, honored, and in a high position? This used to be true. Not so much today. This definition of success constantly has us in turmoil, about how much we haven't done in our life. We are constantly pushing for more and more. We try so hard to live up to the "celebrity" lifestyle. We are only setting ourselves up for disappointment. We will never achieve what we are trained to see as great. And the reality of the matter is that we have already achieved great things. I have a best friend who I would trust with my life, and me with his.(honor) I hold a job that provides for me everything I need.(wealth) I am respected by those I know.(position) I may never be rich, famous, or powerful. But, I'm okay with that. I've worked hard in my life to attain all the wealth and honor I need, and I happen to be in a great position. I'm going to declare myself successful, and so should everyone else. With a positive outlook comes positive things. With a slight change of attitude, we may all be able to achieve the success we seek.
Noun
1. The attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like."
Remember times when this was not our standard definition of success? We all need to face it, and realize that for the most part none of us will achieve any of those. At least not in the traditional sense. So who tells us if we are successful? Should we not be the ones to make that call? If we have good standing relationships with friends and family, a job that supports us, and to be trusted by the people we know an love are we not wealthy, honored, and in a high position? This used to be true. Not so much today. This definition of success constantly has us in turmoil, about how much we haven't done in our life. We are constantly pushing for more and more. We try so hard to live up to the "celebrity" lifestyle. We are only setting ourselves up for disappointment. We will never achieve what we are trained to see as great. And the reality of the matter is that we have already achieved great things. I have a best friend who I would trust with my life, and me with his.(honor) I hold a job that provides for me everything I need.(wealth) I am respected by those I know.(position) I may never be rich, famous, or powerful. But, I'm okay with that. I've worked hard in my life to attain all the wealth and honor I need, and I happen to be in a great position. I'm going to declare myself successful, and so should everyone else. With a positive outlook comes positive things. With a slight change of attitude, we may all be able to achieve the success we seek.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Nature vs. Nurture
Do you believe that we are born with the behavioral traits of our parents, or it depends on how we're raised?
I'm divided on this one. My siblings and I were adopted at a very young age. We joined a great family. While I was raised by this family from the age of 9. I still have a tremendous cache of memories from my biological parents. I personally, can see I have the habits of both. All the negative from my birth parents. Pessimism, temper, prone to addiction, a tendency for violence, etc...while my positive traits are from my adoptive parents. Respect, chivalry, level headed, the will to do good, strong work ethic, etc...but how could this be? We believe that wild animals can't be tamed. Were dogs not once all feral? Are they now considered man's best friend? Can we take a pit bull and make it the most gentle creature you've ever seen? Yes, we can. So why can't we, as people, erase the traits of our fathers so to speak? How do we unlearn something? I believe that I was born, prone to do/act a certain way. It's in my blood. It's the way I'm wired. I also feel, were I not adopted it would be worse. I wouldn't have my "good" qualities. So which one is it? Is there a balance between the two? Maybe when I figure it out the negativity will vanish, or I may be able to accomplish things of grandeur. We may be able to block out, but speaking from experience you'll never escape it. Take the experiences in your life, and create the person you want to be. Don't let anything define you, but your own thoughts and actions. Don't let anyone tell you that you're supposed to be a certain person, and never use your past as a crutch. Nurture yourself to become the nature you choose.
I'm divided on this one. My siblings and I were adopted at a very young age. We joined a great family. While I was raised by this family from the age of 9. I still have a tremendous cache of memories from my biological parents. I personally, can see I have the habits of both. All the negative from my birth parents. Pessimism, temper, prone to addiction, a tendency for violence, etc...while my positive traits are from my adoptive parents. Respect, chivalry, level headed, the will to do good, strong work ethic, etc...but how could this be? We believe that wild animals can't be tamed. Were dogs not once all feral? Are they now considered man's best friend? Can we take a pit bull and make it the most gentle creature you've ever seen? Yes, we can. So why can't we, as people, erase the traits of our fathers so to speak? How do we unlearn something? I believe that I was born, prone to do/act a certain way. It's in my blood. It's the way I'm wired. I also feel, were I not adopted it would be worse. I wouldn't have my "good" qualities. So which one is it? Is there a balance between the two? Maybe when I figure it out the negativity will vanish, or I may be able to accomplish things of grandeur. We may be able to block out, but speaking from experience you'll never escape it. Take the experiences in your life, and create the person you want to be. Don't let anything define you, but your own thoughts and actions. Don't let anyone tell you that you're supposed to be a certain person, and never use your past as a crutch. Nurture yourself to become the nature you choose.
Justice Department
So this homeless man comes into the store. We've stopped allowing him in, because he always tries to steal. As he approaches I tell him, "Butler you know better! Leave!" "I'll commit suicide right in front of your store!!" he responds. So I tell him "go ahead I'll call the cops to come clean you up." He tries to fall down, and act like he's knocked out. I call the cops, they come, and they arrest him. As the officer is taking my report another one comes in, and informs the other that Butler has $600k+ in felony warrants. My beef...these cops all know him by name, and deal with him on a daily basis. To have that many felony warrants, he's obviously doing some very bad things. Why is someone like him not in prison? What happened to "three strikes?" The same law that I was threatened with, when I got arrested for a liquor run years ago. The same petty theft that got my best friend and I both felonies, and sent us to jail for three months. The same thing that keeps me from having fun, and doing things all out of fear of going back to jail. How is it that we make one mistake, and our lives are essentially ruined? When people like this all over the country are having fun, and living a great life. "innocent until proven guilty" yeah right! More like "guilty until you can afford the right attorney or you've done so many bad things that they don't care anymore." We live in a country where murderers and rapist are paroled on good behavior. Where pedophiles are simply required to register their address. Where drug dealers are allowed to have kids and live on welfare, because they are not legally employed. Where is the justice?
First
So, there are many reasons to start a blog. I have none, other than speak what's on my mind. I'll start by introducing myself. My name is David, and I'm a liquor store clerk. I see new and exciting things everyday. I'm here to share those experiences, and my thoughts with you. Just follow along, and I'm sure you'll enjoy.
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