I’m starting to realize, that no matter how much I want to be a good person and a good man. No matter how hard I try, I will always just be me. So, who am I? Ego is defined as “a sense of self.” My ego tells me that I am a good person that will do anything I can to make others happy, to keep them safe, and to always put myself last. In my eyes, I am a person that strives to do his best every single day. A person that does what he can to make a difference, a person that cares deeply for everyone, I’m fun loving, happy go lucky, and positive.
But, ego isn’t really what matters, is it? No matter how you see yourself, others will think that you are diluted. They will think something totally opposite of you. Unless of course, you hate yourself. Then, both opinions will be the same. We spend all of our lives trying to make people see us in a positive manner. But, why? No matter the effort we put in, it will forever be unfruitful. So who am I? In all else’s eyes I am what matters. While the real me may be my ego, the world will never perceive me that way.
In other’s eyes I am cocky, arrogant, dim-witted, and useless fool. I am a bigot, a fire starter, a convicted felon, a criminal, a short fuse, and an explosion waiting to happen. I am a chauvinist pig, a player, a manipulator, and a cheat. I am negative, pessimistic, depressed, angry, and a monger of hate. I am the one your parents warned you about, a predator, a snake, and the one you can’t take home to dad. I am everything that I should be, yet nothing at all. I have all of the “gifts” for success, but somehow I’m an utter failure. I have nothing to offer my self let alone anyone else. I’m the one that won’t go to the 10 year reunion of his high school graduation, because I’ve done nothing with my life. I’m the disgrace of the family, the black sheep, the one no one asks about, and the one that relatives don’t care to talk to when I’m around. I am that person that could go away, never return, and not be missed.
Now, what happens when the way you see yourself, and how the world sees you are reversed? What happens when you feel people see you that way, because in all reality that is YOUR self-image? I may be one of the world’s greatest actors, because my roles are reversed. While so many people see me as the way I described myself as my ego. I don’t. I am very unhappy with myself, and constantly trying to change to no avail. I know I’ve wronged many people in my life, and I am ashamed of almost every thought that crosses my mind. I don’t like myself as a person, the way I look, or the way I act.
Maybe now I understand why people value other’s opinions of them so much. To some people as in my case, that’s all they have…
