"Anxiously" Waiting

  Those that know me know that I'm not typically an anxious, nervous, or easily shaken up kind of person. However, the closer we get to Declan being born, the more of all three of those things I become. I worry about everything! Not so much about once he's here, I know Valerie and I will figure our way through parenthood just as everyone does. I worry about something happening before he's born. Car accidents, work accidents, illness, Valerie being alone, etc.
  A couple of weeks ago I was literally terrified at the thought of death, and leaving Valerie and Declan alone. So much that I had what I guess was an anxiety attack(never experienced one before). I went to bed that night, fully expecting to never wake, gave Valerie a kiss, and said sorry if I didn't. Valerie normally being the anxious one, just gives me a hug and says something to the effect of "oh babe, you're not dying. Go to sleep." When I awoke the next morning, I honestly had to convince myself that I wasn't a spirit trapped in some unknown realm.
  Until I met Valerie, I never really felt like I had anything to lose. Now, with Declan almost here, I have even more. Life has always seemed like something we go through to get to the next day, and repeat. Now, every single day is new! It may be selfish, but I'd hate to miss any of it. I'd hate to not be there for Valerie and our son.
  This may seem a bit excessive to some, and I may be inclined to agree. What I am most curious about is have any parents felt or experienced anything similar? Is it common to become so concerned about everything? Does it go away? How do you deal with it?

A Mother's Love

Inherent with the gift of life, is mortality. We live everyday subconsciously avoiding the thought of it. We all know we'll die one day, but can't even fathom the idea. I haven't ever had to face my own, but I know that my initial feelings and thoughts would probably be a little selfish. As I'm sure many people's are. I witnessed something today so profound that it will stay with me for the rest of my life.

For those that don't know; my mother was recently diagnosed with stage four lung cancer(she'll be mad at me for posting this because she doesn't want anyone to worry). It was discovered a few weeks ago, while hospitalized for pneumonia. It goes without saying that the diagnoses has been devastating. Many things to sort through in mine and my sibling's minds. We're not sure what to expect, but know we want to be there for our mother.

On the other side of things is my mom. Faced, ultimately, with her own mortality. Has she been selfish? Not a bit! Never has been! She has consistently reassured and comforted us. Being totally selfless, and putting her concerns aside to address ours. My mom has never been a "me first" kind of person. I mean, she adopted five orphaned hooligans! She is compassionate, unwaivering, abstemious, gracious, proud, and strong. Knowing this of my mom still couldn't have prepared me for today.

She was admitted to the hospital yesterday due to complications. I won't get into the specifics of the hospital, but the experiences have been horrific. It's amazing that a hospital is allowed to operate this way. Mom needed a procedure to drain fluid from her lung, and ease her breathing. Principally, an easy and low risk procedure. However, due to negligence of the hospital staff, it became potentially life threatening.

I arrived at the hospital, immediately greeted by my little sister. She had a packet in her hands, and informed me that mom had given her and I the power of attorney. Not truly knowing the severity of the situation, I wondered why. Could it really be that bad after a matter of a few weeks? I then entered the room, and saw aunts, an uncle, and cousins I hadn't seen in a few years. That being my fault. Then, I saw my mother...hooked up to a bipap looking almost lost. She was sitting up and responsive, but her mind was clearly somewhere else. I gave her a hug, a kiss, and said hello in the way only I know how. I'm a goof in times of duress. If it makes sense it was my mom sitting there, but it also wasn't.

Shortly after I arrived they came to take her down for the procedure. We all gave her hugs and kisses, and I told her "I'll see you soon, mom." As my little sister, Lindsay, was giving her a hug, what my mom said floored me. Even suffering from respitory acidosis and on the way into a procedure that could lead to her death she said, "get something to eat...my debit card is in my purse..."

A mother's love...

Atlas

Throughout life, we often feel like the weight of the world is on our shoulders. We carry something with us that is greater than ourselves. Whether we know it or not, it is our responsibility to hold our world together, to stand strong, and never falter. Is it a punishment or an honor? That's for the individual to decide.

In our lives we are faced with circumstances. Let's call them trial and tribulations. Events that are meant to test our strength and will. Whether it be financial, health, relationships, career, or many other possibilities. We expect ourselves to come out, unscathed. That however, is not an option. Take it as you will, it's not.

The old adage goes, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." False! What doesn't kill us, gives us a choice. A choice to let it conquer us, or enable us. Enable us to be better people, more convicted, more passionate, more understanding, more persistent, and more insightful than we could have ever imagined. On the other hand we can allow it to destroy us. We can give tragedy the strength to define us, to own us, and to prohibit us from living.

It's up to the individual. When confronted with tragedy will you falter, or shrug and reposition the load? They say, "God only tests those that can handle it." So, I see it not as a punishment to go through this, but an honor. God knows the strength of my heart, along with my mother and siblings. God knows that there is nothing that can break us down.  God knows that no matter what hardship is sent our way, that we WILL overcome it. We will come out stronger, on the other end.

Many may not know me as a religious man, but I am. I've read the bible, cover to cover. Since I was a child, my favorite book has always been Job. I won't get into it here, but whenever you are struggling, read a passage from The Book of Job. You'll soon understand that you are not being punished, but honored.

You Can Learn A Lot From Your Dreams

Last night I dreamt of being in Tennessee again for work. However, midway through the dream work turned into some sort of gothic cathedral. I never went inside, I just inspected some sort of structure that acted as a sort of fence. It was a beautiful thing. Very curvy and excellent symmetry. At one end, there were fallen statues. There was a huge and beautiful angel , and other religious symbols. I couldn't make the other ones out, just the angel and statue of a man which I could only see the back of the head. After this I'm in a car leaving. The roadway is the same in real life and it changes before my eyes. A series of gates that were very ornate and gothic appear out of nowhere and an almost Victorian like cottage that I couldn't shake a weird feeling of.

Back to reality for a moment. I grew up in Oklahoma, and haven't been there in nines years. At the end of this business trip I was trying to arrange a later flight so I could drive to Oklahoma and visit for a few days. Unfortunately, it didn't happen.

Dream: after making it through all the gates, I end up being able to make the travel arrangements to visit Oklahoma before returning to California. All of a sudden, I'm disembarking a cruise ship. I'm then headed to a bus. I board bus after bus after bus. All to different locations, but none to Oklahoma. I don't recall any of the busses actually moving, just being on them for a period before getting off and boarding another. At one point I got on the wrong bus, but realized it immediately. Waiting for me outside was a salesman that I had worked with a couple times. We needed to go back to work for some reason. We get to the gates and there is a push button to open them. He pushes the first one but doesn't wait and forces through it as its opening slowly. I notice the house lighted now by candles and lanterns, and get the same eerie feeling. The second gate opens a little faster and he doesn't rush through it. We get to the third gate and get out of the car. He proceeds to unlock the gate by hand. At this point I notice a door open on the cathedral and a silhouette of a woman walking out. He unlocks the gate a I walk through, it appears this woman is locking up for the night like she's a groundskeeper. The salesman then yells, "never mind David! Not tonight!" And he points at the top of the third gate where there is a black widow spinning a web. I understood this in my dream as an omen of bad luck. I had seen the woman a little closer now, and she looked like a witch. We rushed off leaving the gate opened and unlocked, she could close it we had to get out of there! I felt bad leaving extra work for this old lady, and when I turned to makes sure she noticed she was now a skeleton. All I saw was her skull. She had the same dress on and the same hair but when I looked back I could see her skull. That's how the dream ended. Normally I can make sense of my dreams, but this one has got me stumped.

I can't place it into the timeline of the dream, but there was one part in which I was with a group of people most notably my mother and father in law. We were walking a trail that leads from Texas to Oklahoma. In the dream I had walked it before many times. It was almost like an exodus of sorts. We walked until we reached a cave(almost like a mine) at this point it seemed to turn into a guided tour. I picked up a pair of gloves and checked for spiders, and a bunch of dead spiders fell out. The rest of the walk I was feeling things crawl on me that weren't there, and a search for a shirt clean enough to wear. Don't know what happened to the one I'd had on originally.



And now the interpretation provided to me:

Although it would usually be best to have additional general background information about you as well as recent events just before the dream in order to provide an accurate interpretation, a few ideas can be tried out to see if they might fit your personal situation in some way.

For example, the dream could be commenting on two different types of “work” in your life, one of which may need some more attention beginning at this time to some extent.

On one side, you’re probably at an age where outer work and career are very important as they should be, but perhaps too much of your inner work is being ignored in the rush to establish yourself in the world.

This idea could be symbolized in your dream by work being transformed into a Gothic cathedral, that is, suggesting an inner “opus” or work that would have the goal of developing the whole you and not just the outer you.

Perhaps some quiet intrusive thoughts along the lines of “Is it all worth it?” etc. sometimes come to mind but these may not be explored very much (don’t go into the cathedral).

Maybe some sort of general rational thinking takes over (beautiful symmetrical fence) saying such things as “Things will get better later” etc. and that these vague stirrings etc. are just sort of outworn, superstitious-like ideas (fallen religious statues).

The statue of the man could symbolize this “more complete you” about whose potential you are mostly unaware (can’t see the face of the statue).

The various Gothic gates might represent the need to “slow down” in leaving thoughts about your “opus”, and the eerie Victorian cottage may suggest the idea of the “witch” who appears later in the dream.

Trying to travel back “home” (to Oklahoma) likely symbolizes “home” in the sense of “who you really are” in the totality of your personality which has to be developed over your lifetime.

This theme appears constantly in mythology and other folk tales, attesting to its deep meaning.

One example is Homer’s “Odyssey” in which Odysseus has to go through many symbolic trials and tribulations in order to “become who he really is” and reach his home in Ithaca.

The dream could then be showing what might be getting in the way of your progress toward “home”.

For instance, a ship can symbolize the personal methods that a person has methodically developed and honed in order to move through the sometimes emotionally demanding “waters” of everyday life.

But a large commercial cruise ship suggests a more broadly collective outlook and methodology, perhaps tinged with “pleasure” and “relaxation” as opposed to the sometimes more harrowing exploits required of us like those which Odysseus had to go through in becoming a more individual personality.

Similarly, buses can be taken by everyone and they have limited, controlled “destinations” because we can only “get on or off” as opposed to directing where they go.

Maybe a kind of semi-conscious frustration arises because you never really reach an inner feeling of being “home” (go from bus to bus), so to silence this, an aspect of you (the salesman) causes you to redouble your efforts in your job (salesman takes you back to work).

This part of you “drives you along” (the salesman drives the car), that is, you may not be fully in control of an aspect of your energy, e.g. maybe shown in excessive time and attention spent on your work.

The general “nuisance” of getting through the three gates back to work could again be a warning from the dream to “slow down” and consider how you’re making certain decisions and commitments regarding your job.

A hint appears once more that “all may not be well” in other parts of your life (the eerie cottage).

The appearance of the woman and the seeing of the black widow spider at the same time probably are meant to link the two images closely together in meaning.

Generally speaking, a spider in a dream often points to an important message being sent from the unconscious mind of the dreamer.

In a nutshell, since the salesman is terrified of the spider in your dream, this points to the fact that part of you may be tending to normally keep out of your conscious mind certain unpleasant insights about yourself (e.g. as partly symbolized in wanting a “clean” shirt later in the dream).

We all lean toward doing this, but in the end, it’s best for us to accept and integrate into our everyday consciousness these often upsetting realizations about how we are acting etc.

If we don’t do this, then in a worst case scenario the “black widow spider”, the dead spiders later in the dream or the unseen creepy-crawlies could eventually appear in a practical way as sudden unexplained outbursts of anger, or in feeling down too much of the time, or else in physical symptoms such as headaches etc. etc.

A very general example about what a person might be doing that makes a spider appear on the scene in their dreams would be expressing indirectly without really knowing it certain negative emotions like envy, jealousy, anger, guilt or anxiety etc., creating a kind of “sticky web” of communication which “catches” the person and makes it hard to escape from this net of deceit and intrigue.

The person might, for instance, not openly express their resentment for always being put down by someone else or in being made to work excessive overtime etc., but not saying anything leads to be being “trapped in a web of deceit” and not being enough of an individual person overall.

If the person can learn to express such unpleasant and disruptive feelings in a strong coherent way, then the positive side of the spider can appear.

For example, the person can begin to feel more like a spider sitting at the “calm centre” of the web and gain a feeling of some control over her or his fate since spiders are also connected with “spinning out the destiny” of people.

Also, the creativity associated with the spider and the making of an intricate web can also appear and give the person a sense of wanting to be busy and active as opposed to “trapped” in a web of “death”.

In this way of looking at your dream, the witch would symbolize the same thing as the spider, that is, the danger of a kind of inner “death” through unpleasant symptoms which could tend to disrupt day to day life too much.

However as mentioned, without knowing anything about you, this approach to your dream may not fit your personal circumstances very well, but I hope these ideas can be helpful in some way.

Athanor
Dream Seeker

Thank You

For the first time in many years, I can say that I am genuinely happy. So much has changed in the past year. Started a new job, found an amazing woman, and life in general has been a lot less stressful. I have the opportunity now to push the "reset" buttons on the mistakes I made as a young adult. Growing up isn't so hard to do.
I have never been the one to stay in one place for too long, or to enjoy being around the same people day in and day out. Something is different. I have found an inner peace that I had not known. This change has come entirely due to my wonderful girlfriend. She reminds me that we deserve good things, she helps me to strive for more, and most importantly she makes me want to do better for her. I wake up every morning next to her, and fall asleep by her side every night. She is a constant reminder of just how lucky I truly am. I now dread to go to work not because I don't want to work, but because I don't want to leave her. I used to not come home after work, sometimes for days on end. Now, all I look forward to is getting home and getting that hug and kiss. My sleep issues have nearly vanished, because I am happy next to her. We have been through so much in such a short time, and come so far as people. My future is now something I like forward to, because with her in it, it is all so promising. I can't express enough what she means to me, but I will do my best each and everyday to do the same that she has done for me. She is a truly amazing person, and I am so thankful to have her in my life.

A few poems from over the years. Some published, some not.

Grounded

I had a dream the other night,
that I couldn't fly away.
So I tried to fight,
my deepest darkest day.
I soon began to see,
I was in a battle I couldn't win.
How could this be,
I'm just not like other men.
It was far too overwhelming,
It hit me deep inside my heart,
wishing someone to just help me,
and save me from this part.
I should have seen it coming,
for it's lasted far too long.
It had to mean something
but now my mind is gone.
I guess we'll see how the story plays,
and what to make of the end.
This nightmare lasts 70 days,
I pray I'll wake up then.

Recurring

Now that my time is drawing near
It seems so far away.
So I face my deepest fear
That I'll never see that day.
I know its over soon
But I haven't woke up yet.
A nightmare since mid June
That's altered my mindset.
I know now I'll never wake
Or return to my old ways.
I thought this place was supposed to make
A better ME within these days.
But all its done is hardened me.
In peoples eyes I am disgraced.
Soon I know all will see
I'll never shake this place.

Minnesota

All my life, I've dreamed to find
a place to truly rest my mind.
All it took was one friend, one simple trip.
Reality's seen it's end, and I begin to slip
into serenity, finally at rest.
Happiness and peace, I expected much less.
All I've known was lies, I thought to be truths.
So many lonely nights, I fought for my youth.
Anxiety, fear, and apprehension flood my mind.
Time to see, hear, and ease this tension to which I was blind.
Timid, I leave "home," and stumble upon
this is it, the place, where I truly belong.
An instant grace, such a sweet sound.
But from what face, noone to be found.
I've found the first, true "right" in my life.
No more pain or suffering, I feel no strife.
Waking up from this dream, not a chance.
Making up for what seemed, to be just a glance.
Life, has flown on by me, now time stands still?
Might this be how God, meant for me to feel?
And just when I thought, it couldn't get any better.
I knew I was wrong, the moment I met her.
Eyes so bright, and a smile so warm.
I let go despite, it's been a while, and my hearts been torn.
Shattered by love, so long ago.
Scattered abroad, rebuilding was slow.
Passion once more, I was able to fathom.
Emotions soar, these feelings I knew not I could have them.
A sweet song to me, she sang, one from the heart.
Is it wrong for me, to say, I knew from the start.
Time with her, is what I wanted most.
To Love, once again I was the host.
Now what more, could I possibly ask.
Yet another loop, a friensdship unmasked.
The best part about it, a bond has been strengthened.
To a new level, our friendship was taken.
Of each other we gained, a new understanding.
Tribulations and trials, it shall be withstanding.
Thanks to him, I felt what I've never known.
A since of belonging, and that I'm not alone.
It's a shame, that my time, had to end.
No other people, with whom time I'd rather spend.
I return "home," but it's not the same.
Reasons unknown, distaste and disdain.
Not me, but for whom, it this place intent.
Unmistakable, such discontent.
Now all I look foward to, is that dream so right.
Thanks to everyone, and hears to the night...

Lost In Time

Silent we watch the sun, come over the horizon.
Again my heart you've won, as I look into your eyes, when
the birds begin to echo their melodious joy.
The walls you slowly begin to destroy, with,
unspoken words, bring to us a quiet tranquility.
A soft stare to others, but still I see,
all my fears laid to rest, my questions are answered.
Forever give you my best, you are my tiny dancer.
So hold me close, and cherish this moment of surreality.
It is me you chose, and share with a kiss of pure sensuality.
My heart explodes, as our lips combine.
A soft wind blows, our passions untwine.
Now I am yours, and you are mine.
Your love leaves me breatheless, intoxicated in time.
Of which, in eternity, there's not even enough.
I am begging and pleading, please call my bluff.
The reason I live, all I have is you,
because, the moment I met you, all my dreams had come true.

Is It...

strange, that I feel comfort, from your embrace?

normal, that I long for your soft caress?

natural, to you, such enduring grace?

true, this feelings still as strong, none less?

okay, for me to tell you, what I feel?

sad though, that I can't find the words?

wrong, to pursue it, and make it real?

Because

You asked me why I loved you, and there's so much that I could say.
But if I am to be honest, it changes everyday.
Since the day I met you, you've brought joy into my life.
You took away all my pain, suffering, and strife.
I never thought that God would send me such a gift.
And in my heart you've sealed the ever present rift.
The feelings you instilled in me, I did not know that they exist.
I love the way you touch me, and how I get lost in your eyes.
Your beauty is a testament that you're an angel in disguise.
I feel like you were sent for me
And that you and I were meant to be.
You've been here with me for the best, and stood by me through the worst.
You've got my heart stretching at the seams, it's soon about to burst.
You mean the world to me, you are my heavens and my earth.
I will spend my life showing you your true value your true worth.
I love you in so many different ways, for all the little things.
Until my dying day my love for you will sing.

Dad

You would have been 59 today
Gone so fast I had no time to say
Everything That I needed
So I write and hope you read it
And there's no need to say
But we miss you everyday
Just like when you lived you're always watching over
Please keep your comforting hand resting on our shoulders

Lost

I sit and think, suicide is so inviting
Now I'm at the brink, sick and tired of all this spiting
Watching my ship sink, now the cap is slowly twisting
Like a hose kink, and the tears are slowly dripping
On an ice rink, and stopping’s not an option
A hundred pills, is what I'm counting as I pop em
And now I fade, slowly drift into an abyss
I had it made, how could I do em like this
My family was all I ever needed
Take a fall, I can finally see it
Why else am I here, but to teach you how to live
Don't follow my example because I'm the one who needs it
Someone to look up to and strive to be just like
I guess I'll have to meet him in the next life
He's now approaching, and I can't seem to turn away
This whole thing, and still I want to say
I did my best and that's all that I could give
I love you more than you all could ever know
Still somehow I let it go everything I've ever known
Like a kid that's never grown, tried but was never shown
So in this life I was a clever drone drifting aimlessly
I am never gone within you lives me I'll be forever known.

Forbidden

Close enough to touch you with my fingertips.
I've wanted nothing as much as to feel your lips.
Meeting mine in equal attractions.
Pure bliss, there shall be no distractions.
A secret we have kept, for far too long.
Discrete, yet it is for you I long.
To share the feelings that I have never known.
Now is the time to reap the love we've sewn.
Now we choose to deny and hide it.
We both lose, we should stand by it.
It was far more easy, when we did not know.
A wanderer with no compass, where do I go
from here, now that its out in the open.
It's here, the moment, for which we both have been hoping.
A vision was laid, together we're happy.
The decision was made, and it just can't be.
With this, the title, can't even describe it.
Hear this, no longer do I want to hide it.
Do we venture now, into this bold new horizon?
The answers glare, as I gaze into your eyes then,
we are us, and that's all that matters
Sleepless no more, my thoughts are no longer scattered.
Rest easy with me, it all makes sense now.
Tests we will see, but we'll figure things out.

Sleepless

No longer can I tell, the difference of day and night.
In the day I dream of you, just like I do at night.
Never am I as happy, as when I think of you by my side.
But now I know I’ve lost you, and I can't deny.
I won't just sit here, I can't just not try.
Because I know that you're the one, I have searched for all my life.
I have no sense of time, I haven't seen the sun in weeks.
For now I miss the one thing, that my heart truly seeks.
I now understand the emotion, of which all great poets speak.
But even then my love for you, is something so unique.
And now as day turns to night, and night back in to day.
I pray that somehow, I'll have your love again one day.

Awe

I saw the sun set today

And it’s never meant so much to me

The answer to which I’ve prayed

To stop this darkness from taking over me

I know not where it comes from or how it came to be

But I know the song that I heard sang

Was playing just for me

Shelter

There’s this yearning way deep down

That’s been unknown to me

Every time I turn around

There you’re standing faithfully

And as I’m spiraling down

You’re there to uplift me

I sit and ponder

And slowly start to understand

Echoing like thunder

A force that nothing can withstand

I know it is, it must be love

I felt it as soon as I touched your hand

Rewind

I know some how I keep making mistakes
Ruining shit though there is nothing to break
How much harder can I push just how far will you go
Watching credits run because that's all that's left of this show
Keep trying rewind but this remote must be broke
Only pause seems to work is this some kind of joke
Can't even fast forward all the way to the end
Constant turmoil is the scene that I'm in
Changed the batteries twice but it makes no difference
Wish I could erase the tape and give you back your innocence
In a sense I guess we both grew changed forever
Then your scent reminds me of the love we both knew
Strained and shredded
Maybe I'll stay paused, seems it's better this way
Well, at least then I'll never reach the end of the tape

The Bad Guy Always Dies

It's funny how some people will say mean things to you, for nothing more than to be mean. Then they expect you not to say anything in return. They say you should know when to bite your tongue, but you are only responding. People get away all their lives with saying hurtful things, because the other person is too afraid to stand up. Don't provoke and you won't be provoked. You can only poke a stick at a dog for so long before it takes your hand off. 

I live by a simple principle; treat others the best I can. This is all inclusive. I will not be disrespect until disrespected, stinging words won't roll off my tongue unless warranted, and I apologize when wrong. 

People these days lack the natural affection that has been instilled in us throughout history. Affection and compassion are viewed as weaknesses. So, many people "protect" themselves by being abrasive and abusive(not in the physical sense). The ones that are hurt are the "nice guys." The people who make every effort to make those around them comfortable, and let those who matter know that they do. 

People are so used to the nice guys being nice, that when they do finally stand up for themselves, they are all of a sudden a jerk. Was what they said or did really all that bad that you just can't accept behavior like that from them? Or was it that they are so right, and you can't take being wrong? I believe it's the latter. 

Everyone needs someone in their life that can keep them grounded, and remind them of how to treat people by treating them well. It all goes back to "do unto others as you'd have them do unto you." It's really that simple people. We complain about people and their attitudes, but have we focused on our own? "Let he who has no sin cast the first stone." It goes as far back as the bible. We should all stop worrying about being right, and just be good.